Yea...the phone/internet bill hasn't been paid in almost 5 months and my Mom is really struggling so it's going to get cut off any day now!

So if you send me a message or wonder if I'm ok...this is to say that yes, I probably am and I'm in the process of selling off my business to pay the phone bill...hopefully!

So who knows how long it's going to take me to get it turned back on...it might not even be until beginning of next year the way my luck has been! I'm already isolated enough as it is. I don't even get to see Ashley or Justin hardly and they live right in my area (Crisfield/Pocomoke)...with the phone/internet gone...there goes my WHOLE social life.

I won't be able to blog about my feelings...I won't be able to get a phone call or email about a job...I won't be able to play most of my games...I won't be able to talk to 98% of my friends! I'm just going to go slowly out of my mind...staring at the 4 walls that surround me all the fucking time that already make me depressed enough as it is! *sway*

This is what I get for trying to do the right thing and come home and try to help...a big fucking back hand against my face! I should have just stayed in Texas and stayed away from everything like I said I would. Most likely if I had stayed...I would have gotten a job again, Raymond would have never been arrested, so all our stuff would still be in the apartment and Kelvin wouldn't have been around to go blabbing to the landlord, which would mean Raymond would have never lost the apartment. He would still have his job at the Gas/Oil company and my business, Moonlight Radiance, would still be picking up speed.

I left Maryland because I knew there was nothing here for me. I left Maryland because I needed to prove to myself that I could do things on my own and not fall on my face like my family fucking tells me all the time. Things weren't perfect, Raymond and I would fight sometimes, the fridge would be bone bare at times, and I wondered if things would always be that tough. But it was mine and I made it work every month and Raymond and I had WAAAYYYY more good times in that one bedroom apartment sitting in Cleburne Oaks then bad times. I got STRONGER! I got WISER! I put on 100 POUNDS from McDonald and Taco Bell's dollar menu and having a roommate who HATED cooking or waiting for me to cook! *lol*

I kept my house clean at my own pace...I didn't have to hear about how I was losing my culture, how I didn't know how the world works, I could come and go as I pleased, the things I did were appericated, I didn't have to hear how I was trying to act white, or that I was ashamed of being black just because I listen to rock music or have weird taste...people actually understood and accepted me as who I was...not just put up with me, you know? That's the piece of mind I miss...there is ONLY 3 reasons I came home...and their names are "Shakir", "Kai", and "Justin".

Each one of them I love deeply and I would give ANYTHING in the world to keep them happy. They are the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason why I strive to be a better person and try to make things work around me. All three of them drive me up a wall, ALL for different reasons, but I love them for who they are. I wouldn't change anything about them (well, except Kai...I wish he wasn't so hard headed and stubborn).

In the end...I'm here...and I'm about to be seriously tested with the phone/internet interuption. It's going to be hard...and I KNOW I'll survival but...just wish life didn't have to be such a bitch! >.<

This is Eboni Shante...signing off!

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