- I find it rather humbling (and funny) that everyone I meet throughout the day has sat down at least once to pinch a loaf
- I am a grown man who doesn't trust Twinkies.
- Farts and farts sounds make me laugh
- I will eat from a vending machine before eating from a street vendor
- I find it hard to respect someone the same after seeing them naked
- It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, I just have really long legs.
- I don't call my family as often as I should
- I have wipedd my hands on off my dog to aviod looking for a towel
- I will drink your last beer given the chance
- I believe that spite makes for a great short-term motivator.
- I look down on you if your taste in music sucks.
- There is such a thing as "cultural enlightenment." Most Americans have no idea it exists. The following countries do not have permission to either point or laugh:
1. Germany – Hasselhoff;
2. France – Jerry Lewis;
3. The UK – Spice Girls and Coldplay (the opposite sexes of the same bad design, basically).
- Vegas wasn't built by people winning nor were most corporations.
- Since I'm bigger than you, I am higher on the food chain.
- Puns are never acceptable.
- I question all authority (you should to)
- Yes I do pick my nose and I know you do as well
- I am as brilliant as I think I am

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