My partner doesn’t want sex
Q: Why is my girlfriend extremely rarely in the mood for sex? We have been dating for about 2 years now and we have had feelings for each other much before that. We have known each other since kindergarten. Now we are both 19, our relationship is going along just fine, we haven’t had any major issues between us. But she never seems to be in the mood for sex and I mean we do it once every 2 months. I make time for her, make her nice surprises and I’m always there when she needs me. I’m starting to think that I’m just abysmal in bed. What could I be doing wrong?
A: You sound like a wonderful partner to your girlfriend. Her lack of desire is unlikely related to how good you are in bed. There could be many reasons for her reluctance to engage in sex which could include her feelings about sex. Many people grow up in homes where sex is seen as “sinful”, especially premarital sex, which interferes with one’s enjoyment of sex. Sexual desire can be quite complex, with many issues interfering with it. I think it is very important for the both of you to have open discussions about sexuality. See how she truly feels. Approach the subject with compassion rather than blame, and really strive to understand what is in her head. If her own feelings confuse her, you might suggest she see a professional to discuss it with. If it is, in fact, something you are doing or not doing in bed, then she, and she alone has to tell you what works or doesn’t work for her.
Trouble reaching orgasm
Q: For the past 6 years with sexual partners I have had trouble reaching orgasm during sex and oral sex, however, when jerking off, I reach orgasm with ease. As a male this is kind of demoralizing as it takes away the ending fun of sex, making sex seem more of a chore then it is a pleasurable activity. I’ve seen doctors and they’ve told me nothing was wrong physically and that it is more of a mental situation. Do you have any pointers on how to cum again?
A: Your doctor is right, there is nothing physically wrong with you since you can ejaculate no problem when on your own. It is quite possible that you are so used to one type of stimulation (masturbation done always in the same way) that other forms just don’t provide the intensity you might need. Another possibility is that you get nervous/anxious about your performance with partners and this has an impact on your ability to let go. There may also be unconscious forces at work, expressing possible ambivalence about these relationships. For some men, when they get into steady relationships where they feel secure, this problem may disappear. Of course, these are all just hypotheses based on the limited information I have about you. You can try to stay away from masturbation for a while, to train your body to enjoy other forms of stimulation. I would also recommend you try to focus on sensations in your penis, rather than spend time in your head wondering why it’s not happening.
Premature Ejaculation
Q: I normally have sex with my wife like once or twice a week (not a problem for me and neither for her). The point is, sometimes I perform spectacularly and she feels very satisfied (and me too) but sometimes it doesn’t happen that way. Sometimes I ejaculate 5 minutes after starting intercourse. I really do not understand what is happening. Sometimes it is really really good but sometimes not, I always ensure that the moment is right with foreplay like touching, romantic kisses, etc. But while I am doing that I’m thinking “How will my performance be this time? Will it be as good as the last time?” It’s like a wheel of fortune. I hope you can help me to understand what could be happening to me. Could it be premature ejaculation?
A: This is not premature ejaculation (PE). PE would usually occur after less than one minute of thrusting. The majority of men ejaculate after 2 to 5 minutes of intercourse. That means that sometimes you will perform for 2 minutes and other times you may perform much longer. The more you worry about it, the faster you will ejaculate, unfortunately. I would also recommend you don’t look at sex as a “performance.” If it was like a performance in a play, do you think the actor performs the same each and every show? What if the person is not feeling great, or is under stress, or is tired? Do you think that would not impact a performance? Of course it would, and it is perfectly normal. What you are experiencing is what every guy does. Focus on giving your partner pleasure with foreplay, which is really what the majority of women need anyway in order to climax.