Content warning: mental illness, depression, self-harm, sexual assault, rape.
Self-Harm Scars
Q: I’m a 20-year-old guy who has never had sex and has never been in a relationship. I’ve struggled with depression in the past and started cutting myself on my thighs when I was 17. I’ve been doing a lot better recently, but the scars will never go away. This makes it really hard for me to stay positive and think I will ever be in a relationship. I also lack social skills, so it’s already hard for me to talk to girls.
How do I bring this up if I meet someone? And if I were to meet someone, do I talk about it as soon as possible? Or wait until we get closer? I’m afraid she might want to have sex before I can bring it up. It’s quite a battlefield down there. Even though they are mostly faded, it will still surprise a potential partner. I’ve looked for ways to get rid of them, but nothing takes the scars away completely so I’ll always have to explain what I did.
Is it possible I could find someone who will love me regardless (and is not disgusted by it during sex)?
A: First of all, it is absolutely possible for you to find a partner that will love and accept you for who you are. There is no shame in having suffered from a mental illness. All of us have scars from our past, even though for many people they cannot be seen as they exist in our psyche. The point is that we all come with baggage, we all have histories. You should be proud that you have worked hard to overcome your depression (and never feel ashamed to seek help for depression if you should start feeling this way again).
As for dating: Social skills can certainly be learned. I urge you to seek out the advice of my fellow blogger here on the site, Frank Kermit. He is our go-to guy for dating and has written many articles on the subject (here and at www.franktalks.com). When you meet a potential partner, it is not necessary to bare all on the first date. First, you have to get to know the person and determine if you can trust her. Trust takes time to develop. You also do not have to get sexual right away. You can let her know that your “rule” is to get to know someone first before having sex with them. As you get closer, you will start sharing more intimate or vulnerable details about yourself, as should she. If she seems to lack acceptance and understanding for you and your past struggles, even after you explain to her what depression is, and answer questions about your past self-harming behavior, then you can assume she is not for you. Someone who loves you, will love you for ALL of you and will not be “disgusted” by your scars.
Nevertheless, you do not have to answer any questions about your scars that you do not want to. You don’t have to lie, and you do not have to share details with someone just because you are having sex with her, or dating her. If and when you get very serious (long-term commitment-type seriousness) then you will know at that point if she could handle and accept your condition.
Frank Kermit talks about ways to test a person to see if they could handle a past struggle with mental illness. Here is an article he wrote that you can get ideas from.
Molested in Foster Care
Q: I grew up in the foster care system. I was molested at age four by other kids my age or older and thought it was normal and it didn’t matter, but I felt weird. The boys were always humping me and would make me feel really good. And the older girls wanted me to rub their privates and that was normal, no matter what foster home. At age eight, it was mostly boys—older ones. We shared the same rooms, and so when the lights went out their hands were all over me. Everything that went down, even non-consensual anal intercourse, was “normal.”
A: I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. None of what you describe is “normal”. Unfortunately, as a young child, you are not expected to know what is normal or not. And the “weird” feelings you felt are hard to understand when you are a child. All of these experiences qualify as sexual molestation. Most people who experience this kind of thing experience some kind of negative impact on their sexuality. It can lead to confusion about one’s orientation, promiscuity, or sexual aversion and many other potential issues in adulthood. I strongly recommend you talk to a therapist about your childhood to work through the impact of your difficult early life on your present life.
Sexual Assault
Q: Hi, I’m a 21-year-old male and I’ve been sexually assaulted twice. In high school I was pressured into a situation where I was isolated and cornered by a girl after being pressured by peers, the second time I was far too drunk to consent and a girl took me home from a party. My question doesn’t relate to the events but rather how I feel about them, being that I don’t feel that affected. Is it atypical to be unconcerned with being a victim of sexual assault?
A: First of all, I am sorry this happened to you. We often don’t talk much about men being assaulted, but it does in fact happen. Unfortunately, our society still holds a double standard when it comes to this issue. For example, if you were to tell your friends that a girl had her way with you, they would probably high five you, which frankly minimizes this act. Men may have internalized this, thinking that a woman who comes onto them without their consent is no big deal, and maybe even seen as a “compliment”. It is nonetheless a violation (see our post on consent). Having said that, everyone experiences things differently and we may react differently. Maybe you didn’t see this as overly traumatic, so you don’t think about it much. Other men who have been violated in this way may experience the consequences differently. I’m wondering though, how you feel about women now, whether you find yourself to be more vigilant in party situations, and whether this has affected your trust. You may find that it may come up in your mind when you do get involved in relationships (or not). I’m glad you have spoken up about it though, as other men may relate to this.