It is very likely that you have gone on a date with someone who is a survivor of sexual violence. The difference between now and five years ago, is that since the #MeToo movement, the stigma around being a survivor of sexual violence has lessened, and more people are opening up to their partners about their experiences of trauma. How do you be thoughtful and supportive when you’re sexually engaging with a survivor of violence?
Check In
This should be practiced in any sexual relationship, but particularly with survivors of violence, pay close attention to their non-verbal responses to what is happening, and if at any point they look disengaged or not present, immediately stop what you are doing and check in with them. It doesn’t have to be weird to communicate with your partner during sex, even to say, “Hey, are you all good?” Very few of us want to be having sex with people that don’t want to be having sex with us, and communication is the best way to make sure that both parties are on the same page.
Consider Control
When someone is sexually assaulted they have their power and control taken away in a profound way. As a result, their relationship with sexual power often shifts post-trauma. For some, this may manifest as a desire to have sexual control, by wanting to be sexually dominant and being uncomfortable engaging in sexual play where they may feel trapped or out of control. It is also not uncommon for the opposite reaction to take place, and for survivors to have a heightened interest in losing control sexually in a safe environment. At first, this may sound unhealthy, and some partners of survivors may be uncomfortable talking on the role that they associate with a perpetrator. However, engaging in power play can be empowering to survivors, as it gives them the chance to rewrite their narrative in a situation where they have control.
Let Them Know It Is Okay to Stop Anytime
Queer folks experience greater orgasm equality, but for straight folks the standard narrative is that sex is complete when the man has an orgasm. There are issues with this, beyond the many times when women have been left humping their pillows as the man drifts into a relaxing sleep. A reason that a survivor may not want to have sex is that they are worried that, even if they are in the mood now, at some point during the encounter they may get in a bad headspace and want to stop, but they don’t want to be “rude” by stopping a sexual encounter midway through. Reassure the survivor that you are happy to stop at any point. If you are a man assure them that your balls don’t actually turn blue and that you genuinely only want to be having sex as long as your partner is actively enjoying it.
Be Thoughtful About Possible “Triggers”
It is almost impossible to predict what types of smells, sounds, sensations, or words may lead someone to have an emotional response stemming from a previous trauma. Sometimes, a trigger may be as much a surprise to the survivor as it is to you. However, in some cases, there are easily applicable changes that can be made to your sexual routine to make the survivor feel more comfortable, safe and present. For example, I know a friend who experienced an assault where the perpetrator came up behind her and raped her. Since then she isn’t into doggy style or any position where she is leaned over. The triggers are often not as straightforward as this, but I suggest asking your partner if there is anything you could do (or shouldn’t do!) to make them feel safer during the encounter.
Don’t Be Annoying
Some people that think they are being considerate and thoughtful are in fact just being annoying by over analyzing and over checking in. What you really don’t want to do is get your partner into the headspace where they are worrying about you worrying about their trauma—no bueno. Say you’re hooking up and your partner has a moment and needs to stop for a bit. But ten minutes later, they are ready to go back at it. Don’t be patronizing, trust that they are experts in their own lived experience, and if they want to pick up where you left off, and you’re still up for it, get it on. Similarly, one might assume utilizing verbal consent during every stage of an encounter would work better for survivors. For some people, this is certainly true, but for other survivors, too much verbalization will take them out of the moment. Rather than making assumptions based on what you’ve heard about trauma, let your partner lead the conversation about any modifications that could make them more comfortable during sex.
Let Them Know You Are Open to Hearing Their Story
We often don’t engage in conversation about sexual assault because we are worried that we will not know how to be supportive or we will be uncomfortable and not know what to say. This is a completely normal concern, however, if your intentions are good it’s hard to mess it up too badly. Let your partner know that if at any point they want to share their story with you, you are open to listening. However, never ask for details, give them unsolicited advice, or ask them to share anything they are not comfortable with. Let them guide the conversation. For the most part, survivors just want to be heard. Part of what makes us who we are is our trauma, so hearing your partner’s story you may lead you to feel closer, and perhaps even have deeper and connected sex.