It’s not always easy to tell if the person you are with is into having sex with your or not. Sometimes it feels awkward trying to find out how the other person is feeling and what they are thinking. However, it is very important that if you are wanting to get sexual with someone, that you obtain clear consent. A very clear green light. Remember that non-consensual sexual activity (and that includes anything from kissing, touching to intercourse) is against the law and is very damaging to the person being touched against their full consent.
Most of us of course want our sexual partner to be happy and comfortable. So the only way to know for sure is if they tell you, since it may be hard to tell just by looking at them. Many times we might look like we are ok, but inside it may not feel great. This is why it’s important to ask the right questions. You can try the following:
Are you ok with this? Do you want me to continue? Are you comfortable? Do you want me to stop?
It’s also a good idea to be aware of how people communicate with their body language to see how they are feeling about the situation. If your partner is pushing you away that’s a pretty clear signal. Less clear are things like not responding to your touch and holding their arms tightly around their bodies.
It’s also important to remember that just because a person agrees to one activity, that does not imply consent to go any further. So if your partner is kissing you, it does not mean that they are also in agreement to have you touch their genitals for example. They just may not be ready to go further, and this must be respected.
A person has every right to say NO at any point.
A person who is drunk or on drugs cannot give their consent to sex since their ability to make decisions is impaired. When a person is so out of it that they don’t know what’s going on, having sex with them would be a sexual assault.
Submission is also not the same as consent. In other words, trying to convince someone to have sex with you by insisting, or guilting them into it is a way to get them to submit to your demands. That’s not ok. In fact that would also be considered sexual assault.
Obtaining consent prior to engaging in any sexual activity is respectful and shows integrity. It’s part of living a healthy sex life, for you and your partner.