Not feeling appreciated is a common source of unhappiness in a relationship. Everybody wants to feel their partner appreciates them. Your partner is no exception. If they don’t feel appreciated, it can lead to resentment and a breakup.
If you had a job where you didn’t feel your work was valued, you might want to change jobs so you could work at a place where you feel appreciated. Many organizations have formal employee appreciation programs because they know how important it is for a person to feel their work is valued.
Feeling valued and appreciated is even more important in a relationship. This is why you need to express appreciation to your partner for the things they do—whether it’s working hard at their job, cooking meals at home or looking after the children. Showing appreciation will make your partner feel valued and have a positive effect on your relationship.
Sometimes a person may feel they contribute more to the relationship than their partner and think their partner should be showing appreciation to them. That person needs to realize that just as they want appreciation – so does their partner. Taking the lead in expressing appreciation can motivate their partner to reciprocate.
Looking for things to appreciate about your partner can change the way you see them. You may realize there is a lot about them to appreciate.
Jennifer was unhappy in her marriage. Her husband Bob resented that she wanted to spend time with her friends. She went to several therapists for advice. They all advised her to get divorced.
“I didn’t want to get divorced,” Jennifer said. “Instead, I asked myself: What are Bob’s good qualities? I saw that he’s honest, reliable, and hard-working.”
“I started appreciating his good qualities and told him so. The more I told him, the more he stopped resenting me for spending time with my friends. Showing Bob I appreciated him changed our relationship. I now have a happy marriage.”
Showing appreciation lets your partner know you don’t take them for granted. Unfortunately, sometimes a person thinks their partner is supposed to do what they do and there’s no need to express appreciation. They don’t realize how discouraging this can be.
There’s an old saying that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. In other words, you can get a more positive response by saying sweet words of appreciation than with bitter words of complaining and criticism.
When Mark and Laura bought their first home, Mark would stay up late stripping off old wallpaper and painting the walls. He felt happy making their home nice.
One day, Laura complained that he wasn’t doing enough at home. He said, “How can you say that? I’m working every night stripping wallpaper and painting.” Laura said, “It doesn’t count. You’re supposed to do that.”
That night, Mark didn’t feel like doing any painting. He put it off the next day too. He lost interest in the work and didn’t get back to it at all. They ended up hiring painters to finish the job.
Make it a habit to notice what your partner does. When you express appreciation, don’t exaggerate. Say things that are true. If you say something that isn’t true, your partner may feel you’re insincere about a lot of things you say.
Be specific when you express appreciation. For example, say, “The lasagna you made for supper was delicious. I appreciate you for making it.” Or, “I know things have been stressful at work. I appreciate how hard you work.” Or, “Thank you for finding that beautiful place along the river for our picnic today. I really enjoyed it.”
Plan ways to express your appreciation.
Tell your partner you appreciate them
Say how much you appreciate them, what they do, and how they contribute to the relationship. Thank them.
Write a note or send a text
Write a message expressing your appreciation on a sticky note and post it in a place where your partner will see it. Or, send a text. Send them a text while they’re at work. It can brighten their day.
Praise your spouse to your children
Tell your children that you’re grateful for the things your spouse does. Encourage your children to express their appreciation. Your children will learn to show appreciation—which can help them in their own relationships.
Give a gift
Buy your partner a gift—such as flowers, chocolate or a book. Include a note telling them you appreciate them.
Expressing appreciation can make a big difference in creating a happy relationship. Make a point of telling your partner often how you appreciate them and see the difference it makes!
To learn more about being the man that a woman loves and respects; or how to inspire the man in your life to be that man, take a look at my books. Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man, which has been translated into 24 languages, shares insights on how men can improve their relationships. How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge.
If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
Twitter: @Elliott_Katz.