Let me share two real-life scenarios with you:
Situation #1: I had a conversation with a 26-year-old woman in a relatively new relationship (under one year) who is in a committed relationship. She is not on any form of birth control and relies on her cycle and the withdrawal method. I asked her if she and her partner knew the odds of getting pregnant—the answer was NO. I asked her what she would do if she got pregnant accidentally and the answer was “I would go through with the pregnancy.” I asked her what her partner thought, and she had no idea. Several days later, we came back to this topic, after she had had a conversation with her partner. His response to a potential accidental pregnancy: “Well, abortions are no big deal right? You would just get one.” When she proceeded to tell him that she would not get an abortion and that yes it would be a big deal for her, he panicked. He had never thought of this up to this point—that ultimately, his female partner would be the one with the final decision which would affect his life forever. He then said “From now on, no more withdrawal! Condoms all the way.”
Situation #2: This is a story of the child of a client of mine. A 15 year-old-boy (their son) is in a relationship with a 14-year-old girl and they are sexually active. She tells him she is on the birth control pill, so they use no other form of birth control. Unbeknownst to him, she is not very consistent with taking the Pill. She gets pregnant. She is encouraged by her family to keep the baby and go ahead with the pregnancy. The boy in question is a great student and has lots of ambition for his future, planning to go to university. Unfortunately, his dreams have been derailed (at least for now). He is now responsible for contributing financially to raising his child. His young parents are also now grandparents, while still raising a family of their own (they have younger kids at home). This boy now has to juggle school and work and the premature responsibilities of being a father. He wants to be in the child’s life, even though it wasn’t his choice. Today, this baby is loved and he is involved in his child’s life because his parents have made it possible. That’s all I know, but I question how a 14-year-old is adequately equipped to raise a baby, and I only hope she is getting lots of support from her own family.
In both of these scenarios, the man involved assumed that his partner was taking responsibility for birth control and that if birth control failed, they would simply get an abortion. In my years speaking with young teenagers, and boys in particular, I can tell you that this is common thinking. There seems to be no thought to what the woman would actually decide, nor to the oftentimes very difficult decision a woman has to make if she finds herself pregnant. There is also little consideration to the psychological or physical impact/trauma.
This is not a post about abortion, but about the choices we make and those we have little control over.
Let’s go through some contraceptive facts first when it comes to efficacy in preventing pregnancy”
The contraceptive pill is about 91% effective with typical use. If used correctly, all the time, then your chance of getting pregnant in a year is 1 in 100.
The condom, when used perfectly, is 98% effective. Unfortunately, it’s not always used perfectly, so typically, they are actually 85% effective in preventing pregnancy. If you only use condoms, then there is a 15 out of 100 chance that you will get pregnant each year.
The withdrawal/pull out method, is the method that is the easiest to screw up (whether it’s miscalculating your cycle, getting carried away in the moment and forgetting to pull out, or ejaculating close to the opening of the vagina). So typically, about 22 out of 100 people will get pregnant each year if they use this method of contraception alone.
Many people also have questions about pre-cum or pre-ejaculate. It is possible to get pregnant this way, but the odds are small. Pre-cum is usually not felt by the guy because it occurs before ejaculation. This small amount of fluid may contain some living sperm. So the odds of getting pregnant when you use withdrawal perfectly is still 4 in 100 per year.
If you have are a male, and have premature ejaculation, you should really not use the withdrawal method, as this means you have trouble controlling your ejaculation.
As the owner of a vagina, you better be very sure and trust that your partner will pull out each and every time!
To maximize protection many couples will use condoms along with another form of birth control. The only sure way not to get pregnant is to practice abstinence.
So now back to the point of this blog post—who is responsible for birth control and what choices do men have?
For men, the only control they have is either to undergo a vasectomy (not recommended if you eventually want children), and condoms. To date, there is not a birth control pill for men that is available (interestingly they have been working on it for decades, and I’m not sure where the medical community is on it now). And I wonder, if there was a pill for men, would women trust men to take it perfectly, or would they still want to control the birth control? After all, if they get pregnant, it is their body that is affected and they have to make the ultimate decision as to what to do.
There was an interesting piece in The Atlantic by Chris Bodenner. Here is a short excerpt that focuses on the termination choice:
Here are other aspects of the idea that abortion should be the pregnant woman’s—and only the pregnant woman’s—choice:
(1) If the fathers of the fetuses are excluded from participating in an abortion decision that carries the implication that they are irrelevant. And if they are irrelevant then they are excused from any responsibility for the consequences of their actions. That’s not good for society as a whole.
(2) Men and women can’t have complete equality when it comes to pregnancy because women carry children. But if women can make the choice to either be a parent or not (i.e., carry the pregnancy or not), then how is it fair that men don’t have a similar choice? How is it fair to force a man to provide financial child support if the woman he impregnated chooses to keep and rear a child?
All the forgoing said: If anyone—male or female—isn’t yet ready to or doesn’t ever want to be a parent, they should take personal responsibility for buying and using effective birth control.
And please, please, have this conversation with your partner!