As exciting as it is to have a new person in your life, if you’re a single parent, a new relationship can mean stress between your children and your new partner—stress that can make your life miserable.
You can’t assume it’s automatically or eventually going to work. While divorce statistics note that about 40% of first marriages and 60% of second marriages end in divorce, when both people have children from previous relationships, the divorce rate is 70%.
With statistics like these, it’s important to make sure the relationship between your children and your new partner works before you commit to a long-term relationship.
You may have heard you should wait at least six months before introducing a new partner to your children. I suggest doing it sooner. Introduce them when you feel there is serious potential in the relationship. If you wait too long and then there are problems, you may feel that you have invested a lot of time, energy, and emotion into the relationship, and your children and your new partner will have to learn to accept each other.
Does your new partner see your children as rivals for your attention?
Rivalry between children and a new partner doesn’t only happen in fairy tales like Hansel & Gretel where the stepmother gets her husband to leave his children in the forest.
Bob, a single father of four children, went with a woman for six months before introducing his children to her. The next day she ended the relationship. She admitted to him she wasn’t comfortable with the attention he gave his children.
When Andrew, a teenager whose parents are divorced, had a big fight with his mother, a friend suggested he take a break and live with his father for a while. He said, “I can’t. My dad has a new wife and I don’t feel welcome there.”
- If your new partner resents or is jealous of the attention you give your children, it may be a red flag that the relationship isn’t going to work.
- Does your new partner ignore your children and not talk to them? This may also be a red flag.
- Discuss with your new partner how important it is to you that they feel comfortable with your children. Suggest things they can talk to your children about and get to know them. If your new partner is not interested – that may be another red flag.
When your children are disrespectful to your new partner
In the movie Parent Trap, twin daughters conspire to get rid of their father’s girlfriend so they can get their divorced parents back together. It is not uncommon for children to resent a parent’s new partner—especially if it’s soon after the divorce. The children may think that if they can eliminate a parent’s new partner, their parents will get back together.
Mike met Elizabeth online. They lived in different cities. Mike visited Elizabeth several times but didn’t spend much time with her two sons. When they got married, Mike moved in with Elizabeth and her sons. The sons were very disrespectful to him and Elizabeth was not able to get them to stop. Mike couldn’t take it and after eight months the marriage was over.
Ray was a single father. His girlfriend Jennifer tried to develop a positive relationship with his daughter Emma. Unfortunately, Emma was disrespectful to her. Ray wouldn’t do anything about it because he feared if he disciplined Emma, she wouldn’t want to spend time with him. When Jennifer told him she was ready to end the relationship, he finally took responsibility for improving the situation.
- He assured his daughter that he will always be her father and will always be there for her.
- He told her that she needs to treat everyone, including his new partner, with respect and that she was too good to behave the way she was acting. He realized that he had to teach this to his daughter—not just for the future of his relationship with his new partner—but for his daughter’s own future success.
It’s exciting to have a new partner and it’s reasonable to want your new partner to be comfortable with your children and not see them as rivals for your attention. At the same time, it is also reasonable that your children treat your new partner respectfully. And, with the statistics on divorce for couples with children from previous relationships, it is very reasonable to ensure that this is the situation before you commit to a long-term relationship with your new partner.
To receive a free chapter from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: ElliottRKatz@aol.com His book How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man – which has been translated into 24 languages — shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being the man a woman loves and respects. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com Follow him on Twitter @Elliott_Katz.