Picture this: You’re in the cab with your date, making out in the backseat… Finally, you get to your front door, fumble with your keys and make your way into your hallway, peeling off clothing as you go. You both stumble onto the bed and open the drawer of your nightstand. “Condom?” you ask, to which they reply “Sure” and put it on.
The sex is great. It feels so good. And then suddenly your date stops mid-action and rips the condom off.
You both finish, and your date smiles at you as they get dressed.
You’re not sure how to feel but you do feel like something is wrong…
Stealthing is the act of removing a condom during sex without the consent of the partner. It is illegal in many countries and is a form of sexual assault (Dictionary.com).
Unfortunately, there is little consensus in the legal community about how stealthing should be defined and some argue that it is not quite a crime against consent, but rather a violation of informed consent. Many agree that it causes harm to the victim but not on the same scale as rape. Legislature is being developed to call stealthing rape or to classify it as sexual assault, making it a criminal offense (Psychology Today).
Condom use is extremely important for sexual health because, when used correctly, condoms are 98% effective in preventing STI and pregnancy (provided that there are no open sores or STI’s present in the surrounding areas) (Department of Health, Australia).
An Argentinian company called Tulip has offered a solution for consent and condom use, by designing a condom that requires 4 hands, or two people, to open it. This limited-edition condom was designed as a result of study conducted by AHF Argentina, which revealed that 20.5% of Argentine men never use protection, 65% occasionally use condoms and only 14.5% regularly use them (CNN, 2019). It is currently being sold in Buenos Aires and potentially online, in the future.
Some critics of the Tulip condom say that it misses the point about consent because consent doesn’t start and end with condom use, but rather is a continuous process. Sexual partners can withdraw consent at any point in the sexual interaction, whether or not a condom has been introduced. Others say that it doesn’t address the root causes of sexual assault and rape, such as societal beliefs about dominance and patriarchy as it relates to body ownership (Huffington Post, 2019). Furthermore, the condom requires pushing on 4 buttons to open to package, therefore it may make it increasingly inaccessible to disabled individuals who may be physically unable to open the package, or youth who may lack the skills, abilities or confidence to use the condoms. An extra step in the process of condom use may actually deter individuals from using it due to its’ complicated nature.
So what are some alternatives to ensuring safe and effective condom use?
A study examining condom negotiation strategies among heterosexual Latino youth (Tschann et al, 2010) found that partners who communicated about safer sex or condom use were more likely to use a condom. In addition, those participants who attempted to convince their sexual partner to use a condom were more likely to use condoms. The study identified a number of possible condom negotiation strategies, including risk information (citing risks of unprotected sex), commands or requests, withholding sex (e.g., refusing to have sex without a condom), nonverbal introduction of condoms, emotional coercion (threatening negative consequences), seduction (using sexual arousal to distract partner), and deception (e.g., using false information). Another study reported that verbal-direct (e.g., threatened to withhold sex) and nonverbal-direct strategies (e.g., opened a condom in front of partner) were among the most effective negotiation strategies for condom use, particularly amongst Asian American and European American college students (Lam et al., 2004; Tschann et al., 2010).
Some gender differences emerged from this study. In heterosexual relationships, young men who wanted to use condoms engaged in more strategies to obtain condom use and reported more actual condom use than young women, despite the perception that young women wanted to use condoms more than men. Therefore, young men appear to be more effective than young women in obtaining condom use. When women insisted on condom use, however, they were more effective than young men (Tschann et al., 2010).
Women may appear to be apprehensive about insisting on condom use because they may place a higher priority on relationship maintenance, fearing that their partner might end the relationship or refuse to have sex if they do so. Women who were victims of sexual assault were particularly concerned about angering their partners as a result of suggesting condom use. And, as the study points out, condom use is under the physical control of the male partner, so men and women may employ different strategies for condom use. Also, youth who were in longer relationships reported less condom use. Therefore, relationship length and gender differences are important factors when determining the effectiveness of condom use among Latino youth (Tschann et al., 2010).
Other tips for the “condom talk”:
Talk before sex. This ensures that each party knows the expectations prior to engaging in intercourse.
Be open and honest. Focus on minimizing risk and mutual care and respect for your partner.
Remain positive and calm. Even though you might feel a bit nervous at the time, sex will be more pleasurable because you won’t have to worry about your health and safety.
In addition, plan to have condoms handy. It is everyone’s responsibility to engage in safe sex. You can also use lube, but make sure it is “water-based” so it doesn’t rip the condom.
If none of these strategies work, then it is time to reevaluate the relationship with your sexual partner(s). Sexual partnerships should be forged on mutual respect and communication, regardless of the commitment level of the relationship. Even casual sexual relationships, hook-ups, and one-night stands ought to be safe and consensual. So the next time you’re engaging in a sexual scenario with your partner(s), ask yourself, does everyone benefit from this relationship? Is it an “enthusiastic yes” from all parties involved? If the answer is no, it might be best to let that go.
References
Tips for negotiating condom use: Department of Health, Australia
Psychology Today on Stealthing
Condom Negotiation Strategies and Actual Condom Use Among Latino Youth
Jeanne M. Tschann, Ph.D., Department of Psychiatry, University of California, San Francisco
Elena Flores, Ph.D., Counseling Psychology Department, University of San Francisco
Cynthia L. de Groat, M.A., Department of Psychiatry, University of California, San Francisco
Julianna Deardorff, Ph.D., School of Public Health, University of California, Berkeley
Charles J. Wibbelsman, M.D.Kaiser Permanente, San Francisco, CA
J Adolesc Health. 2010 Sep; 47(3): 254–262.
Published online 2010 Apr 10. doi: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2010.01.018