For some, “Talk dirty to me” can be the most terrifying four words uttered during a sexual encounter. This is because when asked to talk during sex there is a lot of pressure to say the right thing. But, especially with new partners, how do we know what to say that will turn our partner on? Dirty talk can involve anything from, “I’m going to give you a glimpse of my wet flower ” to “choke on my cock you sweet nasty slut.” Everyone has their own preferences in terms of the language and type of words that they find arousing. Pornography is one way that we are exposed to examples of dirty talk, however as a lot of porn is made by men for men, much of it depicts dirty talk that may not resonate with everybody.
If dirty talk can be embarrassing and difficult, why do it?
- Dirty talk is one way to communicate with partners about our desires, which can make a sexual encounter more satisfying. It helps us learn what our partners do and don’t like and can add an element of play and fantasy into an encounter.
- The brain is the most powerful sex organ, it can directly impact the feeling of stimulation through our other senses. As a result, developing a vocabulary to describe sensations felt during sexual contact can be a huge turn on.
How do you talk dirty?
- Ask your partner how they like to describe their body and what type of language turns them on. It can be a real turn off if someone describes you in a way that doesn’t resonate, so especially if you are saying something risque, it may be better to check in with your partner about what they like first.
- Don’t try to copy anything that you’ve heard or what you think will be sexy. Instead, say what resonates with you. Clumsy words from the heart are better than copying words that don’t resonate with you.
- The language of dirty talk doesn’t need to be complex or fancy. One or two-word statements can do the trick. For example using words like, “Deeper” “Slower” “Fuck me” “Yes.” “I’m cumming.” can be extremely arousing.
- If you are one that enjoys getting fancier, say words that are specific to the partner you are with. Describe what about them turns you on. Is it the way their auburn hair covers their hard nipples? Is it the way their hard cock rubs against your thigh? Think about the sounds, the smells, and the sensations that you are feeling, and try to put them into words.
- Dirty talk doesn’t just take place during a hookup, but can also take place before and after sexy-time. Before a hookup, you can describe exactly what you want to do with your partner, and how thinking about it is affecting you (i.e. making you mad horny). After you are done, you can describe the most arousing moment from the hookup and what you may want to try next time.
- Saying the sexiest thing that turns your partner on is well and good, but don’t let performance take over pleasure. I’ve had times where I got too into turning my partner on by saying what I knew he liked, that I didn’t focus on the sensations I was feeling. There is a time for talk and there is a time for relaxing and enjoying.
- If you are unsure how to start talking dirty, start by masturbating and talking to yourself about the sensations you are experiencing. Then, it won’t feel so foreign when you try it with a partner.
- Being comfortable enough to dirty talk with a partner is easier when you feel safe and happy in the relationship. Make sure to never ‘yuck your partner’s yum’ and make them feel uncomfortable about something that they said in bed. A huge part of experimenting is trying new things and then communicating about what does and doesn’t work. If a partner feels shut down, they may be unwilling to be vulnerable enough to open and try new things. At the same time, if what your partner said makes you uncomfortable, you can bring it up in a way that doesn’t make them feel foolish. For example, you could say that there’s nothing wrong with your partner being turned on by calling you a schoolgirl, but you do not enjoy being referred to in that way. Depending on if you find what your partner is into to be offensive, or if it just doesn’t turn you on, you can decide how to proceed in the future.
Most of all, have fun! Dirty talk can be a fun addition to sexual encounters and can enhance communication and pleasure. It may take some experimenting for you to find your voice, in the meantime relax, enjoy, and play around with what feels right.