To some people, BDSM stands for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism. Starting today, I would love for it to also stand for Bodacious Disabled Sex Machines. But be prepared: those four letters in that specific order can make many people react a little strangely.
Both the traditional and my new personal definition of BDSM carry with them a whole world of misconceptions and negative attitudes. Because of both my participation in BDSM and being disabled, I once thought:
- Will I lose friends because of these labels?
- Will my social networking contacts think I’m weird or different because of these labels? (As a writer, I fear this one for EVERY article I write, in fact)
- Will I ever find a loving partner who will accept these labels?
Since I’ve never been able to hide my dwarfism, at a certain point I decided “I have absolutely nothing to lose, so why not try stuff and be even more different than I already am?”
I let go of my feelings of shame and had some truly amazing adventures.
M & M (Misconceptions and Marginalization)
The shame I speak of does not typically originate from within ourselves, but rather, from society’s judgmental misconceptions. As you read this list of attitudes and quotes below, they can equally be applied to “Bondage Dominance Sadism Masochism” and “Bodacious Disabled Sex Machines”:
- Pity: “Those POOR people aren’t normal.”
- Ignorance: “Those poor people: They’re NOT normal”
- Fear: “THOSE PEOPLE ARE NOT NORMAL!”
- The Spread Effect (the label affects ALL ASPECTS of our life):
“We can’t hire THEM, they’re not normal!” - Hero Worship: “Wow, they’re not NORMAL! How cool is THAT?”
The Biggest Misconception
I will be perfectly honest: My brief experiences of the BDSM world covers just about 1% of what is possible. Back in the day, there were some things I saw and learned that I will NEVER be able to forget completely. But I also learned and discovered some things beyond the negative myths.
The biggest myth I had was that BDSM is mainly about violence and pain, abuse and shame. While there are always people who explore the extremes in everything, looks can be deceiving: Much of BDSM is for show and tell.
Some of the terrific positives I gained from my brief experiences as a BDSM “master” follow below.
Communication and Mutual Respect
Fifty shades of a certain color aside, BDSM has to more do with excellent communication skills, mutual respect, and building excitement. As a person with a disability who also happens to LOVE sex, believe me, communication skills are SUPER important.
My mobility restrictions and the amount of weight I can bear on my pelvis are just two things I had to learn to talk about with my partners. BDSM taught me how to bring these topics up, and to ask questions about my partner’s likes and dislikes.
Too many people skip this “pre-lovemaking” stage because they think it is un-sexy. But honestly, would you serve a meal to guests without knowing their likes and dislikes?
People should be even more considerate when talking about sexual preferences with their lover. In my opinion, talking about limits, dos and don’ts, preferences and all of that can easily become erotic in and of itself—Hello! Does the phrase “BUILDING ANTICIPATION” ring any bells?
Sensation
If you’ve never tried any aspect of BDSM, you may be missing out on a whole range of sensations. Great sex is not just straight-forward intercourse, and there are many more erogenous zones than just our genitals.
EVERY sensory input, from head to toe, can be a source of sensual and sexual pleasure. The more you “sexplore” in this way, the more you add to your repertoire. The more tasty ingredients you discover and enjoy, the better meal you can cook up—I must be hungry with all these food analogies!
Here are just a few sexy sensations I never thought of until I read a good BDSM book: Rough, smooth, silky, furry, bumpy, scratchy, velvety, hot and cold, just to name a few. For example: Have you ever received oral sex from someone who just recently ate a popsicle? “Woo-hoo” and “Do that again please” might just be your reaction too!
Menus and Contracts
While spontaneous sex can be wonderful, planning ahead and respecting each other’s choices can become a huge turn-on. Do some research, draw up a menu and/or contract, and see what happens.
The more comfortable you get with discussing options, the deeper the relationship can be, and potentially lead to better sex. If the extreme stuff turns you either of you off, just ignore those options! Pretend you’re in a restaurant if it helps: “I’ll have one of those, two of those, NO THANKS for that main dish, and I’ll take three sexy desserts.” Sounds yummy to me!
Once decided upon, stick to each other’s choices, with one exception: At any given time, everyone is allowed to say STOP IT RIGHT NOW. While choices may have been made, applying them does not always go smoothly. Would you oblige a guest to eat a pot-roast if you accidentally burned it? Not this chef!
What WAS comfortable and fun at any given moment, can become very unpleasant: Always listen and adjust. In BDSM terms, STOP or NO is called a “safe word”: Look it up if you want to learn more. To the rest of the world, it’s “NO MEANS NO.” Things change, feelings about ANYTHING can change, especially right in the middle of the action. Check in frequently!
Role Playing and Liberation (Who’s in Charge?)
In a good BDSM relationship, it is the submissive who is in charge, not the dominant. As I said, I only know the tip of this whole BDSM thing, but my biggest takeaway was that exploring sexual variety and limits is safest when the submissive is in charge. But we all pretend, for excitement purposes ONLY, that it is the big bad “master” who is in charge.
Many moons ago, I had a lover who sprung a trap. She pretended to be a spy who tied me to a chair and “tortured” me with popsicles and other delights to extract information. She frequently checked in on me to see if I was okay with her “evil” plans, then went right on with her game.
To be sure, there were a few tense moments where this submissive said “no thanks” to his master. But she switched gears happily, moving down her list of nefarious things to do, much to our mutual delight.
This BDSM adventure was actually one of my earliest sexual encounters. Prior to that, for many reasons, I actually had serious problems trusting ANYONE to touch me. But I got lucky and was in the hands of a pro. That evening released me from that particular “being touched” problem once and for all.
Don’t fear the letters BDSM. Try the things that might work for you, and ditch the ideas that make you feel uncomfortable. My personal favorite book to learn about this subject is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon.
With love and respect to all our readers out there,
Francois V.