Horny in the Hospital?
My original plan for this article was to be totally hilarious pointing out my clever observations, while combining the subjects of sexuality and hospitals. But then my brain screamed at me “You can’t make ANYTHING sound sexy when it comes to being in the hospital!”
My reply to my brain was “Shut up stupid brain, I’m in charge here!”
(Don’t worry, I suspect many writers talk to their brain like I do).
But then I realized all I’m doing is hiding a difficult truth: My artificial hip is 39 years old and in really bad shape. The plastic socket lining is busted up, and the bony socket underneath is so used thin it needs to be rebuilt as well. I’ll spare you the rest of the unsexy details except to say: “Mommy, this hurts a lot!”
And yet…..
As I head towards a very difficult and lengthy hip surgery, my mind wanders to one inevitability: At one point or another while recuperating in the hospital, I will certainly MASTURBATE. I just can’t help myself. It’s what I do at night when I can’t sleep, and hospitals are the worst places to get sleep.
Why Not?
Masturbation releases all sorts of health-giving hormones and other happy biological whatnots. I mean, who doesn’t already know that Rosy Palm and her five sisters can relieve stress and make many of us feel better—so WHY NOT?
Because I might offend someone who barges past those flimsy curtains that surround a patient’s hospital bed? Knock first, THEN enter, please!
From experience I’ve noticed that almost nothing stops the human libido for long, not even many health issues. Once the healing begins and the hormones flow, you’d be surprised at how strong our sex drives can be. Yes, even in the hospital!
If you want proof, here’s a few good stories.
Paging Dr. Goodlookin’ and Nurse Sexy
I know for sure that sex (solo or otherwise) happens in hospitals, because I was a very nosy kid. One day, a few friends and I were exploring office spaces that seemed to be used more as storage. There were desks, and stacked chairs, but we almost never saw anyone actually use those rooms.
Then we peeked inside the desk drawers, and much to the delight of us teenaged hormone driven patients, we discovered porn magazines, and condoms. Clearly SOMEONE was using this unofficial “break room” for more than munching on muffins. Oh, wait: Maybe they WERE munching on muffins and more, if you catch my drift? (Nudge, nudge, wink wink, say no more!)
More Stories
It might have been the cleaning crew, or interns, or even doctors and nurses having sexy fun during their breaks, but SOMEONE was playing doctor and nurse. The same day we discovered the porn mags I also learned that masturbation happens in the hospital. I couldn’t help myself.
That same evening, I figured if hospital staff played when no one was looking, I could play with my staff too! So I masturbated, discretely, behind my curtain and under the bed sheets. I slept deeply that night!
A few years later when I was 18 and recovering from yet another orthopedic surgery, I met a young man who had been in a motorcycle accident. He had titanium rods that ran THROUGH his legs, and were tied to a traction system to keep them lightly suspended as the bones healed. I know, very unsexy.
But wait: This guy was newly married, and his wife was not to be denied! One day, she closed the curtains around my friend’s bed, and boy-o-boy, the erotic sounds went on for a while. Their beaming smiles later on confirmed they had a good time.
Now I know patients having sex in a hospital is a delicate subject, but if convicted criminals are allowed conjugal visits like that, so should we!
Prisoners Versus Patients
You read that correctly: In many countries, convicted criminals are allowed conjugal visits, a time when an inmate is permitted to spend several hours or days in private with a visitor, usually their spouse. They are even allowed to have sex.
The reasoning is that conjugal visits preserve family bonds and increase the chances of success for a prisoner’s eventual return to ordinary life after release from prison. These visits usually take place in designated rooms for that purpose, and are sometimes stocked with sexy supplies like lube, condoms and clean towels.
Now that’s physio-therapy I can get behind! But I doubt you will find many “conjugal rooms” set up in hospitals, unless you are one of the few that can afford private rooms.
I realize there are HUGE complexities in regards to the whole subject of allowing sex in any healthcare facility, long term or not. My goals are much more modest. (I know, “modest” has little to do with almost-public sex or masturbation in a hospital, but bear with me).
Relax a Little
This post is not meant to change the world. Who would want that responsibility anyway?
My only goal was to offer an encouraging word to any readers or their partners that are currently, or might be hospitalized soon. It’s okay to have a sex-drive, even in the hospital. So long as we are not breaking any laws, or disturbing other patients, it’s equally okay to give in to those urges.
If you are unsure, just ask your doctor what’s safe, and what might set your recovery back. Slow and gentle can be very sexy! Who knows, you might even discover that semi-public sex, the “we might be interrupted” kind, is actually a turn-on for you.
And if enough patients get caught in the act, maybe we’ll eventually get similar conjugal visitation rights that prisoners have!
(And if my surgery goes well, I’ll give you an update on my adventures sometime in August or September).