Let’s talk about the division of tasks in a relationship. Does one partner inevitably do more than the other? What have you worked out in your relationship that makes you feel you are in a relationship based on equality and equity?
I grew up in a traditional home. My mother stayed home and did absolutely everything while my dad went to work. Eventually, my mother went out to work full time, and guess what? She still did everything! Basically, she had two full-time jobs with four kids at home (Keep in mind I was born in 1964).
I think, I hope, things have changed. Women are speaking out more, maybe demanding more from their partners, which is not always easy for a relationship.
Many of the men in the 35+ range also grew up in traditional homes, and this is what they expect from their own marriages. Do you know how many times I see couples in my office who complain that they have no desire for sex and that it boils down to fatigue? When one partner begins to understand that when they alleviate the load for their partner, not only will the partner be less tired, but this will also be a turn-on.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not ragging on men here. Because we as women are also raised to do it all. We are by nature, nurturing—to our kids and our partners. We also like things done a certain way, so when our partners help out in their way, we’re right behind them criticizing what they’ve done. The result is that they give up trying.
Being in a marriage is like being on a team, where each of you has to feel like you are working toward a common goal. We can call these team relationships where each person has equal status and is equally responsible for emotional, economic, and household duties. Couples who see their marriages as teamwork are really dedicated to a sense of fairness—they develop a true companionship and a collaborative relationship.
There are four elements that characterize a true partnership or team marriage/relationship:
- There is a true division of duties where these duties are discussed, not just assumed because of your gender.
- Both partners believe the other has equal influence over important decisions.
- Both partners feel they have equal control of the family money and reasonable equal access to disposable income (i.e.: no one in the relationship has automatic veto power). Unfortunately, I have met many couples where the husband takes his wife’s paychecks, and also has control over purchases, or couples where one won’t buy even the smallest thing without first discussing it with their partner. Imagine having to say: “I’ll do that if he lets me” or “I don’t know if she’ll let me”. This is a sign that one has a lot more power in the relationship.
- The fourth element that team marriages have is that each person’s work is given equal weight in the couple’s life plans. What’s important is not who makes more money, and the one that makes the least does more of the housework. It’s looking together, how it is you want your life to be like, how you see goals as a team. For example, decisions for major life changes need to be made together and looked at for the good of the relationship and the family, not the good of the individual.
The more traditional type of couples look quite different. They tend to divide the male and female roles into separate areas of influence and responsibility (for example, household and childcare stuff is often left up to the woman and money up to the husband, with final authority often given to the husband). Many men have only been exposed to this type of relationship, so finding a role model of a more equitable relationship may be challenging. Yet, plenty of guys are looking for an equal partner.
Additionally, there are many women out there who would love a more equitable relationship, but also don’t quite know how to achieve it since they too may not have been exposed to such a marriage.
These days, I believe most of us would like to feel like we are in an equitable relationship. But how do we get there? The first thing to do is to decide what it is you want from your relationship. How do you envision a life together? Here are some other ingredients you need to build this kind of relationship:
- You need a sense of yourself. A sense of who you are, and what your needs are, as opposed to changing yourself to adapt to whatever partner you’re with.
- Flexibility is another important trait you need in order to develop a team marriage. That means not going in with specific roles based on gender.
- Communicate if something is not working for you and be able to renegotiate and reconfigure the way your relationship works.
- Agree on values and what you both need.
- Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. You do this by having regular discussions (just like a business would hold regular meetings to discuss progress, etc.).
Obviously, this type of relationship doesn’t just happen out of sheer luck—it takes a lot of effort. But the rewards are great! The bond of intimacy is stronger in team relationships. That’s because they share housework, children, economic responsibility, etc. This means they tend to experience the world in a similar way, they understand each other better, and they communicate better (negotiate, spend time talking and listening). These couples also tend to be more committed to each other.
When it comes to sex in traditional marriages, the passion is usually kept alive by some negative emotions. Don’t get me wrong, in traditional relationships the sex can be great—but this passion is often aroused by fear of loss, anger, etc. In teamwork relationships, where the intimacy level is high, sex is comfortable, and it’s not encumbered by all kinds of negative emotions. Some might say this is boring sex because it could be less passionate/intense, but it’s more focused on romance.
In more traditional marriages, often sex is used to try and touch the other person emotionally. It might be the only time when they feel connected to their partner or when they feel their partner as vulnerable and more open. These couples may have more sex than the team marriage and this is because the team relationship doesn’t need sex to meet other emotional needs. So it’s true, sex may fall by the wayside, which is why they have to make an effort to cultivate this part of their relationship.