We are currently existing under a male-centric sexual paradigm, wherein heterosexual relationships male pleasure is prioritized above female pleasure. This model depicts good sex as involving minimal foreplay before deep hard penetration, ideally from a huge cock. One of many issues with this understanding of sex is that it is very deterministic. For men, the size of your penis and your stamina determines your sexual prowess. However, it’s easy to blame all our sexual challenges on mainstream depictions of sex, which are primarily designed for the male gaze in the first place. It’s not until the last decade that we started talking about the anatomy of the clitoris (it’s not just that little pea in the pod). We have entered a new era—where female pleasure is being celebrated.
I had the absolute pleasure of speaking with Sex Hacker Kenneth Play about his perspective on this issue. “We are only utilizing a small amount of our erotic potential in the male-centric paradigm,” Kenneth explains. “We need a shift in attitude towards a growth-oriented, female-centric model of sexuality.”
Kenneth believes we need to begin by acknowledging the inequality that currently exists in heterosexual relationships. Then, almost as retribution for lack of focus on female pleasure, we should shift towards a female-centric model, like described in the bestseller book She Comes First. Though in time, Kenneth believes, we should land on a model that prioritizes the pleasure of all parties equally.
As a woman dating in New York City for the past five years I have noticed a societal movement toward understanding and prioritizing female pleasure. Finally, people are starting to talk about the importance of the clitoris for female gratification and discussing the female orgasm as something to strive towards. However, when engaging with heterosexual men, who would often describe themselves as “woke”, the belief among many is STILL that the epitome of being a pleasure-oriented lover is to eat a woman out for 12 minutes before going in for the jackhammer.
Understandably, this is reflected in the orgasm gap, where studies significantly find that in heterosexual hookups, men consistently have more orgasms than women. For example, a study of 24,000 students found that 40% of women orgasmed in their last sexual encounter involving penetration, while 80% of men did. Why do you think women excuse themselves and go to the bathroom for a long time or start rubbing against the dude’s leg after sex? It’s because their lady boner was not relieved.
It is clear that female pleasure is not given the priority it deserves. Perhaps this is why one study found that 30% of women and 25% of men were unable to locate a clitoris, on a diagram at least. The clitoris is KEY to female pleasure. Only 18% of women can orgasm without clitoral stimulation. Kenneth jokingly pointed out that stimulation wise, ignoring the clit is like just stroking the bottom third of a cock while ignoring the tip.
It is not only men who perpetuate the male-focused pleasure model. Women often don’t understand the vast pleasure that they can experience, or have the ability to communicate about their desires. Women will often ask their girlfriends questions like, “how big was he? How long did he fuck you?” Focusing on equipment (dick size), function (how big and hard) and performance (length of intercourse) instead of asking if he was present, if he created a safe environment, communicated well, and gave you the sensations that your body yearns for.
So what would this shift toward a female pleasure model look like?
According to Kenneth, we need to adopt a growth-oriented mindset to sexual pleasure. “People need to start thinking of sexuality like fitness or nutrition,” explained Kenneth, “as something that we continue to learn and understand, and as something that can be improved with practice.” People often don’t know their sexual potential or what their body can be capable of, the same way that someone who hasn’t worked out a day in their life doesn’t know the strength that they could have.
By educating ourselves about sexuality and shifting focus toward focusing on female sexuality, a previously unknown pleasure can be tapped into. We need to start celebrating erotic intelligence, pleasure competence, presence, and kindness. We need to shift away from a fixed mindset of sexuality, and towards a more ancient sexual tradition involving exploration, female pleasure, and sexual expansion.