Whether you are just coming back from a divorce, a loss, moving, recovering from surgery, or a long period of being single for any other reason, returning to the dating world can be daunting. When you have been “off the market” so to speak for so long, you can develop certain insecurities that make it harder to get back on the field. Here are seven tips on getting back into dating when you haven’t dated in a while.
Start Slow
Going on your first date in years is just as nerve-wracking as going on your first date ever. In fact, it may be even worse. It is important to start slow. If you aren’t ready to have sex on the first, or even third, date, then don’t. Don’t stay the night if you feel like it’s too quick. Go at a pace you can handle. If you are returning to the dating scene after a hard breakup or heartbreak, then the worst thing you can do is traumatize yourself by going too far too fast. Slow and steady wins the race.
Get A Wingman With Less Experience
That’s not a typo—get a wingman with LESS experience. Have a younger friend be your mentor in this process. This is because younger adults who are still in the dating stage of their lives will have a unique perspective on the current events and trends of the dating sub-cultures around you. That’s because those circles and spaces are created for them. Find you a 20- or 30-something to show you the ropes and take their advice. They may know more than you give credit.
Make Sure Your Baggage Is Taken Care Of First
You may have heard people tell you to not bring up your ex on the first date or to not talk about the past when you are getting back into the game. This is not necessarily a bad idea, however, it is a little deeper than that. There are situations in which you can bring up an ex and it not be a big deal if done the correct way. The real issue is not whether or not you speak of previous partners–it is how you still feel about those previous partners. You need to be honest with yourself about how you feel about them and what you are really ready for. It is not fair to you or any new dates if you are still hung up on an ex when you are dating someone new.
Let Go Of Some Of Your Older (Potentially Outdated) Rules
Depending on how long it has been since you dated around or how you grew up or what your experiences have been, some of your old rules and preconceived notions of how things work and how things are supposed to operate. For example, you may have been told that “nice girls don’t call boys,” “the guy is supposed to pay for the first date,” “politics and religion are not polite dinner conversation,” or “don’t have sex until the third date.” While many of these held some truth when they were first spoken and became popular, most of them are inapplicable in today’s society and dating scene. The long-standing gendered expectations are fading away, politics are becoming more like deal-breaker conversations than things you can simply ignore or agree to disagree on, sex is completely up to you, and the rules on phone communication have completely changed as smartphones have replaced landlines as our primary mode of communication. The old rules don’t apply anymore and part of getting back on the horse is understanding that.
Embrace Online Dating
There was a time when online dating was synonymous with “creepy,” “shady,” “desperate” or “unsafe.” That is no longer anything close to the truth. Now, online dating is the norm. It’s the rule, not the exception. If you are single and looking to find a date, it’s expected that you download at least one or two dating apps or get on a few websites. Many of these apps have increased their safety features and checks to ensure that everyone is who they say they are and some of them even require references and/or background checks. They even have sites that tailor to specific crowds like religious groups, professions, or people in similar family compositions. Online dating is nothing like it was twenty years ago and if you want to get back into dating now, that is something you need to accept.
Don’t Forget To Be Safe
If the reason you have not been dating in a while is that you have been in a steady relationship or marriage, then odds are, your last consistent sex partner was somebody with whom you were fluid bonded. If you don’t know, fluid bonding is when you are in an exclusive relationship with someone who you consistently have sex with and therefore do not have to worry about contracting STDs. It’s called being fluid bonded because this level of commitment usually means you stop using condoms or other forms of contraception (especially if anyone able to become pregnant is using another form of birth control such as the pill, an IUD, or the shot). When you start dating someone that you are not fluid bonded or exclusive with, you have to remember things like condoms and safe sex.
Take A Personal Inventory
Why would anybody want to date you anyway? That’s a question you should ask yourself. Not to bring yourself down—in fact, quite the opposite. You need to realize what your best qualities are and they may not even be the ones your former lovers recognized. Dating new people can help you figure that out and figuring that out can help you date new people. Understand yourself before you try to understand anybody else.
Give It Your Best Shot
You may not make all the best moves when you get back out there the first time, but that is okay. Give yourself some grace. This is the bike you can forget how to ride. The important thing is that you give it a good-faith effort. If you need some dating support, reach out to Dr. Stacy for a complimentary consult for coaching and support as you go through the dating process. Dr. Stacy can be reached at drstacyfriedman.com.