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Do you want to have children? If yes, how many?
How are you going to earn money? On what do you want to spend it?
Where do you want to live? Are you willing to relocate?
Do you believe both people should work? Should one stay home with the children?
How important are your religious beliefs?
These are a few of the questions couples are asked at the start of a marriage preparation course.
“Sometimes their goals are very different,” says Amanda who leads the program. “One person may want to have children. The other doesn’t want children at all. One person may want religion in their home. The other may be strongly against it. For these kinds of situations, I encourage the couple to delay getting married and spend a lot of time discussing their goals.”
“One person may have assumed the other person would just go along with their goals. Or, if they know the other has different goals, they may think they will change the other person’s mind. This is risky and can lead to serious conflict,” Gloria adds.
Why Setting Goals Is So Important
Picture a flock of migrating geese flying in V formation. As each bird flaps its wings, it provides lift for the birds following it. It helps them get farther using less energy. But it only works because they’re all going the same way. They all have the same goal.
In a similar way, it’s important for a couple to agree on their goals so their energy is focused on achieving their goals—not arguing about them. When a couple works together to achieve the goals they set, it strengthens their bond and they are true partners.
Goals can give a relationship purpose that can help keep a couple together in hard times. Things may be difficult but if you know the challenges are part of achieving an important goal, it can help keep the relationship strong. If a couple doesn’t feel they have important goals to accomplish, they may be more inclined to give up when hard times occur.
Bob and Laura wanted to improve their financial situation before they had children. Bob went back to university to get another degree to improve his job skills. He also took a part-time job. Laura took a full-time job and also worked overtime. Many days, Bob and Laura were exhausted and there was tension between them. But then they remembered their goal and realized the stress and exhaustion was part of achieving that goal.
Jonathan and Jessica wanted to be entrepreneurs. After several years of working at corporate jobs they decided it was time. They quit their jobs and began working on their business. They had to cut back on going out and sacrificed going on vacations. There were setbacks and other unexpected problems in their business they had to solve. But they felt it was worth it to achieve their goal. Today they have a successful business.
Having specific goals can help guide difficult decisions. People are more likely to accept what they might not want at first if they see it as part of the whole picture. Without goals, you can be pulled all over the place.
Ted and Sharon’s goal was to live in a rural area. Ted had to commute to his job but it was part of living their goal. He was offered a new job with higher pay but it meant an even longer commute. Even though he would have appreciated the higher pay, he wanted to be home in the evenings to spend time with his family—another one of their goals. It wasn’t difficult for him to decide not to take the job.
Setting Goals With Your Partner
Talk about your goals for your relationship. What goals do each of you have? Use the questions at the beginning of this article as a starting point. Think about both short-term goals and long-term goals.
Don’t shy away from discussing your goals with your partner. Don’t assume your partner will automatically go along with you. Don’t agree to something and think you will change the person’s mind. If you do, you’re starting off on the wrong foot and you partner may feel you misled them and resent you.
Partners can become a lot closer when they agree on their goals and work together to achieve them.
To receive a free chapter from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: ElliottRKatz@aol.com His book How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man—which was translated into 24 languages—shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being the man a woman loves and respects. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
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