Barry wanted to put a large part of their retirement savings in an investment that Rebecca felt was too risky. The investment promised high returns but Rebecca believed that if it sounds too good to be true, it is.
She complained to Barry, “I think you’re being reckless with our retirement money. This new investment is too risky. We could lose everything and won’t be able to afford to retire. I think you should spread out our investments in less risky ones.”
“Rebecca, a lot of my friends checked it out and they are investing in it. They know what they’re doing. The broker is very nice and I trust him.”
Rebecca said, “I’m sure your friends have checked it out and the broker is nice, but you may be destroying our future retirement because you’re listening to your friends. If you don’t listen to me and we lose that money, you’re destroying our relationship.”
Barry wasn’t willing to listen. “You think I don’t know what I’m doing. So far I have done pretty well with our investments.”
What happens if the man in your life wants to do something you strongly disagree with? Perhaps he’s acting rashly or is overlooking important concerns. What if he wants to do something—like in Rebecca and Barry’s case—you think is too risky?
How do you tell him what you think without him feeling criticized or undermined?
Negative feedback can make him less open to your input. It can make him want to defend and justify what he wants to do. He may feel you’re focusing only on his mistakes and not appreciating the good things he has done. It may also cause him to avoid doing anything in the future so he won’t be criticized for it.
How do you give feedback and have him feel good about it?
Give feedback in a way that shows you want to help him. When that’s your goal, he will feel respected and be more open to listening to you.
Plan what you’re going to say
Don’t just say what comes to mind. Before you give any feedback, think about:
1) What are some good things he has done that you can praise? Start by praising those good things so he feels you recognize and value what he’s done.
2) What are your concerns about what he wants to do? How will you express your constructive suggestions in a way that makes him feel you want to help him?
3) What are additional positive comments you can conclude with?
Each time you give feedback ask yourself: How did he respond? Did he act like he felt you were helping him? Did he thank you for your help? Do you need to fine-tune what you say the next time? The more you work on giving him feedback in a way that makes him feel good about it, the more open he will be to receiving feedback and motivated to do more.
Rebecca and Barry revisited
(Start with praise) “Barry, you’ve done a great job investing our retirement savings. Thank you for what you’ve done to help us prepare for retirement.”
(Concerns and constructive suggestions) “Have you thought of how this new investment may affect our relationship?”
Barry was puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“I know it may earn a lot, but we could also lose a lot—and that would create financial stress for us. I feel our relationship is too valuable to risk it by getting into financial stress. I’ve seen several couples get into financial stress that destroyed their relationship. I believe it’s not worth the risk. I think a better way would be to put some money into this investment and the rest in less risky investments.”
(Conclude with positive comments) “I think this would fit into the smart way you have been investing our money all along.”
Barry listened. “Rebecca, I think you’re right. It’s not worth risking our relationship.” He applied her suggestions and thanked her for them.
To give feedback: Start with praise, give constructive suggestions, and conclude with positive comments.
To receive a free chapter from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: ElliottRKatz@aol.com His book How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man—which was translated into 24 languages—shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being the man a woman loves and respects. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com Follow him on Twitter @Elliott_Katz