How cool would it be if before having sex with somebody you could get a neat little article explaining how to best become intimate with them? My article would say “work on your cuddle game, learn where the clitoris is, and enjoy licking pussy till your tongue is sore!”
It is challenging and complex to write an article about how to have sex with trans folk, as they are a diverse group with entirely diverging desires and preferences. However, there is so much misinformation and endless stereotypes about this community that this type of article is necessary to challenge these stereotypes and start a larger conversation.
To get started it’s important to point out that the title of this article could be misinterpreted, because being trans actually has to do with one’s gender identity, not their sexual preferences. Transsexual folks identify with a gender that is different from their biological sex. However, their gender identification has nothing to do with their sexual orientation or sexual preferences. For example, a trans-woman (someone who was born biologically male but transitioned to become female) could be attracted to women and/or men. They could also be a freak under the sheets, or be a pillow princess and into super slow intimate sex.
It is also important to note that among the trans community there are individual differences regarding if folks want to and are able to have surgery to match their gender identity with their biological sex. Post-op means that a trans person has had surgery to match their biological sex with their gender identity. Pre-op, on the other hand means that no genital surgery has happened, but perhaps they have had breast augmentations or deductions and be on hormones. Finally, trans folks can be non-op, meaning they have not had any surgery.
Now that we’ve gone though some basic education, how do you have sex with someone who is trans in a way that values their humanity?
- Don’t assume anything! Trans folk, especially trans-women are often eroticized and fetishized. People think that hooking up with someone trans is an exciting experience and that it makes them “sexually open” and “experimental.” Or they think that it is a compliment to tell someone “I have such a thing for trans guys.” Reducing a person to their gender identity is very problematic. How socially inappropriate would it be on your first date with someone to say, “I have such a thing for big tits.” Instead of reducing transsexuals to a stereotype, learn about them. These are complete human beings, there must be more interesting things about them than this one component of their identity.
- Ask trans folk where they enjoy being touched and if any areas are off limits. Remember that many pre-op or non-op folks feel like their gender doesn’t match their biology. As a result, having their penis stroked, or breasts played with, may remind them of a part of themselves that they don’t identify with. It is also important to ask them what words they like to use to describe their body parts. If a trans woman has a penis, they may prefer for it to be called something more feminine. Also, keep in mind that just because they have a penis, it doesn’t mean that they like to use it for fucking. There are no hard rules here, this is why communication is key in learning how to best interact with someone in the community.
- Instead of focusing on genitals and body parts, talk about pleasure. By learning what turns them on, you can gain knowledge about the type of sex that they enjoy, and at the same time pick up on the way that they like to refer to their body parts. Having a conversation about boundaries and desires will ensure an encounter is consensual and fun for all involved.
- Don’t make trans-folk educate you about their experiences. Instead, do your own research so that you ask the right questions and can go into the situation feeling knowledgeable. For example, asking someone the difference between trans-women and a cross-dresser is a question for Google—or me! But asking someone what type of sex gives them pleasure or what their fantasies are is perfectly ok, assuming that you are in a hookup type situation. If it is a regular date, don’t assume that just because they are transsexual, it is alright to talk about sex right away.
- We all have our sexual preferences, some of which are hardwired and not super flexible. If for whatever reason, you aren’t enjoying a sexual interaction with anyone, regardless of their gender identity, it is perfectly fine to stop an encounter. The important part here is to communicate, be respectful, treat everyone with kindness and never make anyone feel shame about their body or how they identify.
I like to believe that as a society we are moving towards a place that is safer and more inclusive of all people. As we learn and develop new language and terms, it is normal to make mistakes. If you accidentally misgender a person, or touch them in a way that they do not enjoy, that doesn’t make you a bad person. You should apologize and learn from that mistake. If you hear people perpetuating stereotypes about trans folks, you can be an ally and help educate so that people stop spreading misinformation. Everyone should have the freedom to have sexual interactions that are consensual, body affirming and fun.