When people ask me a question related to disclosing their herpes status to a partner, they typically want to know if they should tell them over text, over the phone, or in person. I find myself unable to answer this question directly without any context of the person or the relationship dynamic, so what I’ll offer here are some reflections to make along with a framework for talking about more than just “I have herpes”.
First, how do you feel about saying “I have herpes”? What feelings come up for you? Do you have any anxiety around it? Does your breathing stop? Does your heart rate speed up? If you can, say it in the mirror and look at how your facial expressions shift. If you don’t notice any changes at all, then you’re at a very healthy place with at least saying the words. What often happens is that we can project our emotions onto others through our words and our presence. If you say “I have herpes” and break into tears right after, then this is a sure sign that you should consider seeking out some support to navigate this.
The next thing you’ll want to do is decide what you want for yourself in relation to a partner where there’s mutual romantic interest. Do you exclusively want a sexual relationship? Are you seeking something long-term or short-term? Are you compatible sexually? Is this someone who is capable of meeting your needs?
One of my favorite ways of navigating this conversation is through the STARS talk. STARS is an acronym for safer sex talk that includes Sexual health, Turn-ons, Avoids (or traumas), Relationship intentions, and Safety. While having this conversation is important for sexual partners, it’s also important that you have this conversation with yourself so that if asked, you’re able to respond truthfully, which gives you the best chance to have your needs met. I’ll go through these one by one. Keep in mind these do NOT have to be discussed in any particular order.
Specifically for a herpes disclosure, I like to begin with the “R” which is relationship intention. I want to express my interest in either a casual or long-term relationship with a partner. It’s important that we are on the same page about where we see this connection going because of how easy it is to be misaligned. This misalignment often is a place where we compromise our values, develop resentment, and then before we know it, there’s so much time wasted and hurt along the way. Many people living with herpes don’t want one more person knowing their status who doesn’t need to, so if you don’t align with intentions, then this is stage one of filtering, and you can decide if you do or don’t want to move forward.
Next are the “T”, the “A”, and the second “S”, which can all be part of the same dialogue. We’re talking about what turns each other on or off and then what we need for our physical and emotional safety. Sex is vulnerable physically, and this conversation is a way to assess how safe it is to be vulnerable with someone’s feelings as well. If you’re into choking, and your potential partner has past trauma surrounding that, that’s something that’ll likely be off the table. If certain positions are off limits due to chronic pain, it’s good to discuss this here so that nobody is in a position of being in the moment struggling with speaking up, or trying to be tough. If alcohol or drugs are being used, this is where boundaries need to be set around consent. Consider safewords and nonverbal cues for when things need to be paused. As someone who dates primarily outside my race, there is a level of social awareness I need from my partners as well. If we have a disagreement, the safety I need is that we will not raise our voices in public.
There are a number of reasons people are incompatible. Before discussing sexual health status, feel those things out first. Religion, politics, children, relationship roles, where to live, finances. These are all topics that fall under turn-ons, avoids, and safety. If you make it through these with the green light, now you can feel free to share your herpes status wherever you feel most comfortable doing so. You have all the information you need in order to decide if this is someone you want to share this information with, and your filters mean a high probability of success in whichever method you choose whether text, phone call, or in person.
In the next article, we’ll go into WHEN to disclose your herpes status to a potential partner.