In the incredibly vast realm of erotic domination and submission fantasies, physical torments generally have much fewer fans than psychological games. In fact, while whips and ropes may be visually spectacular and a wonderful source of exciting stimulation, most people long for the feeling of that socially forbidden power imbalance where one person lies totally in thrall of the other. The appeal of being able to exercise unlimited authority over someone, or of feeling but a lowly servant to a superior ruler, can feel very arousing indeed if you are into BDSM.
To be more precise, due to the innate fascination of archetypes, this sort of play does intrigue even many otherwise vanilla couples. Humiliation is horrific in our everyday lives, yet for this precise reason, it can bring us into a seriously hot headspace. For some, it manifests in the relatively light guise of dirty talking; for others, it can escalate to extremely intense scenes.
Like with every BDSM practice, that’s perfectly fine provided it remains safe, sane, and consensual. It sounds simple, doesn’t it? However, differently from other activities, the actual safety of humiliation play is rarely discussed even within the kink community—and this can lead to unexpected and very dangerous situations.
Think about it: pretty much everyone has personal triggers, usually connected to past demeaning experiences. It can be a stern slap suffered as a child, an especially painful insult received in a moment of particular vulnerability, a universal affront like a slur, or maybe a totally unique quirk that other people can’t even conceive as offensive. Encountering this sort of abuse can cut deep, and even worse if it is dished out by a partner.
To be in a play space might soften the blow in that moment, but what about later? Self-esteem is a fragile jewel indeed, and you don’t want to find yourself questioning whether the person you love maybe really meant those names, or felt that you really deserved to be treated that way, or…
One key to defusing this sort of possible derailment for the submissive partner, is to reframe the scene itself: not around power but focusing on the personal growth aspect. Learning to savor humiliation in a safe context can be an opportunity for introspection, a gift to the dominant person, a test of one’s strength, and more—all pretty empowering experiences, that leave no room for shame nor self-doubt.
The keyword, however, is ‘safe.’ Just like physical pain, not even the biggest masochist around can eroticize out-of-context, sudden discomfort. Conversely, the same sensation (or emotion) becomes intensely arousing if you actively choose a well-defined time and place for it, knowing that you are risking no real harm and that once the session ends your relationship with your partner will return to be just as caring, nurturing and loving as ever—if not more.
Here are a few tips to reduce the risk of emotional harm as much as possible:
- Explore humiliation games with very close partners only, with whom you have established trust, honest communication, and an agreement to immediately and serenely stop the scene if either of you feel unpleasantly perturbed by how it is developing.
- Negotiate the details of the scene beforehand, especially to pin down your hard limits, triggers, and past traumas in order not to evoke them during the game.
- Define in detail the boundaries of your game: the duration, the locations, the privacy concerns, and your safe word. The better you know where not to tread, the more you can enjoy playing in a safe space.
- Make absolutely clear that what happens in the scene stays in the scene, just as much as your everyday lives and relationship must stay out of it.
- Make sure to plan ahead for extensive aftercare: you don’t want to be roughly thrust back in “the real world” right after such a challenging experience, so reserve enough time for cuddling, talking about your feelings, and exchanging your impressions on what you went through together.
And, above all, enjoy your play!
Ayzad is a kink educator living in Milan, Italy, and working online as a coach to help people worldwide solving their kink-related issues and reclaiming their happiness. His bilingual free website https://ayzad.com features hundreds of articles about unusual sex, podcasts and books—including the best-selling BDSM—A Guide for Explorers of Extreme Eroticism and I Love BDSM—Beginners Guide to Erotic Bondage, Domination and Submission Games.