From the positive pregnancy test to weaning, having and beginning to raise an infant typically takes at least two years. This period involves big relationship changes—some wonderful, others quite challenging. Unfortunately, pregnancy guides rarely address the sexual issues of pregnancy and new parenthood in sufficient depth. That’s why sex educators Anne Semans and Cathy Winks surveyed 700 women about how they experienced sex during and after pregnancy for their book Sexy Mamas: Keeping Your Sex Life Alive While Raising Kids.
The conventional wisdom holds that women’s libidos decrease during the first trimester because of the enormous emotional shift into pregnancy and because of morning sickness, which may last much of the day. The platitude continues that libido rebounds during the second trimester, only to fall again during the third because of the awkwardness of having such a big belly and the fatigue engendered by dragging so much extra weight around.
But the conventional wisdom is mistaken. Semans and Winks found that pregnant women’s feelings about sex vary tremendously. “Some experienced a sexual awakening and had the best sex of their lives,” Semans explains. “Others felt completely turned off.”
Men may also experience libido changes during their wives’ pregnancies. Swedish researchers studied 112 pregnant couples. Some of the men loved sex with a pregnant wife, while others lost interest, especially during the third trimester.
One commonly reported benefit of pregnant sex was better orgasms. Many pregnant women reported the most intense orgasms of their lives. Many said it was easier to come while pregnant. And some who had never had orgasms were suddenly able to have them.
Some people avoid sex during pregnancy for fear of harming the fetus. Relax. Even enthusiastic intercourse does not harm the baby.
Another reason expectant parents avoid sex is the fear that orgasmic muscle contractions might trigger premature labor. But a study of 596 North Carolina women shows that late-pregnancy orgasms were associated with decreased risk of prematurity. The same goes for vibrators. Assuming a normal pregnancy, vibrators are safe.
However, some pregnancy complications warrant abstinence: placenta previa, multiple fetuses, serious uterine irritability, and high risk of prematurity. To make sure you can enjoy sex without risk to mother and fetus, have all the prenatal care your doctor recommends.
Many baby books say couples can resume lovemaking a few weeks after a normal vaginal delivery without episiotomy, a few weeks later with episiotomy, and several weeks after that for deliveries by C-section. However, until the baby sleeps through the night, many new parents feel too exhausted for sex. Most infants don’t sleep through the night until 12 weeks at the earliest, so don’t expect much, if any sex until then.
It often takes several months after delivery for women to regain their pre-pregnancy libidos. One reason is a frequent complication of pregnancy, pain around the vagina that may last up to several months. Another is nursing. Postpartum, levels of two hormones rise: prolactin and oxytocin. “Both dampen libido,” Winks explains. “Some women don’t regain their pre-pregnancy libidos until they wean.”
Couples must also come to terms with breastfeeding. Some women fear their partners will be turned off by huge breasts dripping milk. Sometimes that’s the case. Meanwhile, other men consider breast milk a turn-on.
A third reason new moms retreat from sex is the cultural perception that motherhood isn’t sexy. “Many people believe that motherhood is largely about self-sacrifice, denying your own needs for the sake of the children’s,” Winks explains. “Sex involves the opposite of self-sacrifice, so many women—and some men—view it as an indulgence and consciously desexualize themselves.”
Even if you’re not having genital sex for a while, work to maintain a sensual connection. Kiss, hug, cuddle, and trade massages. Foot massages can feel especially gratifying. Intercourse may be on hold, but most new parents find nonsexual affection reassuring as they adjust to being new parents.
To maintain your sexual relationship as parents, make it a priority. With children in the picture, impulsiveness and spontaneity disappear. Everything must be planned, including sex. “Make sex dates,” Winks advises. “Once or twice a month, have your child spend the night elsewhere, and enjoy a romantic evening together. Work out a regular trade with another family. Trading sleep-overs can be a godsend for parents’ sex lives.”
If sexual issues persist after weaning, consider sex therapy. To find a sex therapist near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.