Many times, men and their female partners will consult with me because he is just no longer attracted to her. Before marriage or moving in together, sex was just fine–desire was there, attraction was there, and the connection worked. Usually, his desire for her disappears soon after the commitment to her is made. This is a concept that was originally brought to light by psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud. In psychoanalytic terms, the Madonna (symbol of purity, not the singer)/whore complex refers to the inability to maintain sexual arousal/desire within a committed romantic relationship. In these situations, the male often experiences erectile dysfunction when he engages in sexual activity with his partner. The premise here is that these men can only see the women in their lives in one of two ways: as either wives/mothers who deserve the utmost respect; or as women who are degraded by sex (the “whore”). In Freud’s words: “Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love”.
This can often be very confusing for both the male experiencing this and for his partner, as this is often an unconscious matter – something that the man does without realizing it. This is even more confusing since he really loves his wife, and wants to want to have sex with her, but just can’t function with her sexually, essentially rendering the relationship sexless. Of course, only a trained professional could make such a diagnosis and help the man work through this.
So where does this come from? This is often rooted in a man’s history, his sexual development, his relationship to his mother, and the messages/beliefs about sex he has been raised with. This type of man has trouble integrating love and sex. Sex is what you have with women you don’t perceive as a wife or mother. Once a woman becomes the “wife” or the mother of his children, they are elevated to a higher, respectful level, and the man does not want to sully or defile her with “dirty” sex. They may perceive women who are interested in sex as “bad”, and those that show no interest as “good” or pure.
Usually these women try everything in their power to be more sexy and more appealing to their partners, but this actually has the opposite effect on him. He does not want to see her as sexually aggressive (or “whorish”) in any way. He wants to see her as “pure”. In fact, he no longer sees her as a sexual being. The result is a sex/intimacy-starved wife who does not understand why her partner doesn’t want to have sex with her.
So what’s the solution? Working with a professional who understands such complex dynamics is a start. The therapist can help him understand and change the way he perceives women and examine his beliefs about sex. Next, he has to learn to accept that women can be both “Madonna” and “whore”. Avoiding sex is not the answer. In fact, you need to have sex often with your partner, and maybe even try to be a bit experimental, so you can see how both can co-exist. A man needs to embrace all aspects of his partner.
To read up on this issue, read the book by Pat Gaudette, “Madonna/Whore Complex: Love without sex; sex without love”.
For a more academic view, read Freud’s work: Freud, Sigmund. The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, Volume XI: “A Special Type of Choice of Object Made by Men”, pp. 165–175; “On the Universal Tendency of Debasement in the Sphere of Love”, pp. 179–190; London: Hogarth Press, 1957, ISBN 978-0-7012-0067-1.