When I coach men on relationships. I encourage them to be generous and buy gifts for the woman in their lives to make her feel special.
An unfortunate situation I have seen too often is where a man thinks the way to help a floundering relationship is to spend large amounts of money on a bigger house, expensive renovations or luxurious gifts. Each man who shared this story thought that buying these things would help solve his relationship challenges. He thought it would make his partner happy and would regain her love and respect.
These men eventually learned—unfortunately the hard way—that it was a mistake to think this would fix problems in their relationship. They also learned that it was wrong to blame their partners for making this mistake.
Henry was close to retiring. His wife Linda wanted renovations to their home. As Henry put it, “It was either the renovations or retiring and the renovations won. I had to delay retiring for several years. I thought doing the renovations would make her happy and she would appreciate me. I wish I could say that happened but it didn’t.”
It didn’t solve their relationship problems and didn’t gain Henry the love and respect he sought. Instead, Linda saw him as weak and insecure for thinking that spending a lot of money was the way to solve their problems. And when Henry bragged to others that he paid for the renovations and had to put off retiring, she saw him as an immature show-off. Linda felt he did not understand what she really needed from him.
Lack of luxuries is unlikely the problem in the relationship
Henry and the other men did not realize that when there are challenges in a relationship, the lack of a big house, expensive renovations and other luxuries is unlikely the cause of their problems.
“When I saw Alice wasn’t happy, I thought if I could just give her more, she would be happy,” Bob said. “I knew Alice loved being near the ocean so I bought an oceanside condo so we could go as often as she wanted,” Bob sighed. “It didn’t improve anything.”
“It was only after we got divorced that I realized the real problem was that I wasn’t being the kind of husband she needed. I now see that I should have looked at what I was contributing to our problems.”
A divorced woman said, “My husband didn’t understand that to me, when he spent money trying to make things better, he was avoiding dealing with the problems in our relationship. He needed to make me feel loved and cherished, but he was oblivious.”
For some men, spending a large sum of money caused financial stress that led to worsening the problems in their relationship.
One woman said, “I didn’t know what he did to be able to pay for everything. He thought he was pleasing me, but he didn’t please me at all with the financial mess he created. I find it hard to respect him when he won’t take responsibility for what he did and blames me because I suggested it. Instead of being strong and telling me what we could or could not afford, he was weak and didn’t say anything. He could have said no.”
Learn from the mistakes of others
An important lesson these men learned is that true richness in a relationship doesn’t come from spending large amounts of money. This is confirmed in the Harvard Study of Adult Development which looked at what makes people happy in life. Happiness comes from having positive relationships.
Learn from the mistakes other men made. Instead of thinking that buying expensive luxuries will improve his relationship, a man should ask himself what he needs to do differently. How does he become the kind of man she will love and respect? What does he need to say to make her feel loved and cherished?
We can also learn from the experience of wealthy couples who live in opulent homes, go on fancy vacations and buy expensive presents for their partners and end up breaking up. Even though they lived luxuriously, it didn’t keep them together.
If you think spending a lot of money will gain your partner’s love and respect, think again. Money won’t buy a partner’s love. The big house, expensive renovations and luxurious gifts won’t solve relationship problems.
To receive a free chapter from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: ElliottRKatz@aol.com His book Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man—which was translated into 24 languages—shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being an emotionally strong man that a woman loves and respects. How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
Follow his postings on X (formerly Twitter) @Elliott_Katz