As a sex educator, the most common question I receive is: “How can I make my penis larger?” Or, more intrusively, “What is the biggest penis you’ve ever taken?” Assuming that as part of foreplay, I measure my partner’s penis and somehow each millimeter longer is associated with more pleasure.
Our culture is OBSESSED with penis size. Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, in his book exploring data on web searches, found that men are more likely to google questions about their penis than questions about their lungs, liver, feet, ears, nose, throat, and brain combined! He also found that “Men conduct more searches for how to make their penises bigger than how to tune a guitar, make an omelet or change a tire.” It’s no surprise then, that there is a multimillion-dollar industry with a whole slew of pseudo-effective penis enlargement mechanisms. A lot of which have been shown to increase confidence in men but not actually their penis size.
Research in Britain by Dr. Wylie found that 45% of men were unhappy with their penis size, despite that 85% of women interacting with those penises were satisfied with their partner’s penis size. Women rated other qualities such as personality and grooming as more important than how much someone is packing. In homosexual male relationships, size seems to be slightly more important, especially for the top, i.e. the one who is more likely to engage in penetration. This may be because most gay men have penises and therefore are more entrenched in the penis obsessed culture. In Seth Stephens-Davidowitz’s research, he found that for every one internet search that a woman made about penises, men made about 170 searches!
I’ll be honest with you, although penis size is very low on my list of priorities in a potential partner, falling behind communication skills, consent game, openness, and of course, a preference for Star Trek over Star Wars, I do have my size preferences. However, they change depending on what sexual act I am engaging in. For example, I enjoy a larger penis for oral sex, but a smaller one for anal and vaginal intercourse. However, size is SO LOW on my list of qualities in a partner it is barely worth discussing. I have had great sex with a partner with a small penis, and horrible sex with a partner with a large penis. This is in line with the research that shows that of the occasional time a woman is unhappy with a penis, 40% of complaints are actually that they are too big, not too small.
Instead of investing in penis enlargement mechanisms, or feeling unhappy with your average-sized penis, what are some alternative ways to pleasure your partner?
- I feel like I say this in every article but if your partner has a vulva, STIMULATE THE CLITORIS! Stimulate the clitoris while you have intercourse, stimulate the clitoris during foreplay, stimulate the clitoris while you are watching a movie. Remember, most women cannot orgasm through intercourse alone, no matter how big your penis is! For most women, a smaller penis in conjunction with clitoral stimulation feels better than a larger penis without clitoral stimulation.
- Toys Toys Toys! Your penis isn’t your only tool to facilitate pleasure. There are a small percentage of women who can orgasm through penetration alone. These are the women who are more likely to prefer a wider or larger penis. For these folks, I suggest playing around with a larger dildo while you stimulate your partner in other ways. Toys are great to integrate into sexy times and for a lot of women, penile penetration feels even better after a toy induced orgasm. Similarly, for men having sex with men, it can be fun to incorporate a dildo that may reach deeper than your penis. Using a toy doesn’t make you any less of a man and it can help your partner experience more intense pleasure!
- Instead of using pornography or vague images of masculinity to evaluate your sexual worth, talk about your insecurities with your partner. Ask your partner what they think of your penis and your sex life in general. I often find that once I get in my head about something, the only way to feel better is to express it. You may find that penis size isn’t even a factor for your partner. If it is a factor, it will open the discussion to exploring other ways to increase pleasure. Regardless of penis size, couples that are able to work on communication and experimentation have the most satisfying sex life.
- Through education, we can learn that the average penis size isn’t nearly as big as it is seen in porn. We can also learn that the angle that you check your own penis out at makes it look smaller, when you are comparing it to the other boys in the locker room. This is helpful information, but the final and most important step is to work on self-acceptance and self-love. Regardless of what size your penis is, it is part of you and it deserves love! Work on noticing when you are making your member feel self-conscious, and instead give it some positive affirmations. It’s part of you so it’s got to be pretty cool!
Also, if you are ever feeling down about your penis size, keep in mind that humans are far better endowed than our primate brothers, including the gorilla, the chimp, and the bonobo, so comparatively speaking, you are doing great!