When was the last time you didn’t apologize for being angry or upset? How many times have you felt the need to put on a happy face even around your close friends and family? Do you worry about taking up too much space and energy after venting to your friends about something so you apologize right away? You just don’t want to bring the vibe down, right?!
If you are like me, you are a self-aware people pleaser. Like I’m at the point where I know that I’m doing it but I just can’t help myself. At least I’m aware!
People pleasing is when someone puts others’ wants and needs at the expense of their own. They might feel like their needs don’t matter. They tend to do anything to avoid conflict. They have a hard time saying no to other people. These actions help people pleasers feel more secure in relationships and earn the approval of others. People pleasing is also sometimes known as fawning–which is an extreme form of people pleasing.
People pleasing can’t be diagnosed but one can be labeled as a people pleaser. There’s no real medical definition for people-pleasing but I found some info on Medical News Today and these are some typical behaviors for people pleasers:
- Find it hard to say no to requests
- Regularly take on extra work, even if they do not have the time
- Often overcommit to plans, responsibilities, or projects
- Avoid advocating for their own needs, such as saying they are fine when they are not
- Avoid disagreeing with people or voicing their honest opinion
- Go along with things they are not happy about to avoid creating friction
A person with these tendencies may also feel:
- Pressure to be friendly, nice, or cheerful at all times
- Anxious about creating unease or standing up for themselves
- Stressed due to the commitments they have taken on
- Frustrated that they never seem to have time for themselves
- That their own wants or needs do not matter in comparison to others
- That people take advantage of them
People pleasing tendencies can show up in romantic relationships for many people–which obviously can cause some intimacy problems. There really isn’t a way to have a healthy relationship if you can’t express your emotions and needs. You can’t go deep with someone if you act as if everything is fine all the time–relationships can’t develop on surface level.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself the past few years following my herpes diagnosis. It wasn’t until recently when I came to another conclusion. I didn’t realize it’s not only safe, but encouraged and so necessary that I speak up about how I’m feeling in any capacity with friends, family, and partners. If you’re like me, these people pleasing responses 100% started from when we were young. It also can start through certain trauma. For me, a lot of my *trauma* is from relationships, which is why speaking up in dating/relationship settings has always been a hard one for me. In addition to previous trauma, fawning can also stem from anxiety, low self esteem, conflict avoidance, socialization, personality disorders, and gender inequity.
Learning to stop people pleasing is definitely a practice though, and the change doesn’t happen overnight.
Here are some strategies by the James Madison Counseling Center to help interrupt these tendencies:
- Stall: Whenever someone asks you for a favor, it’s perfectly OK to say that you’ll need to think about it. This gives you the opportunity to consider if you can commit to helping them. Ask for details about the commitment and use that information to decide if you have the time, energy, and ability to commit. If the person requests an immediate answer, you can say no because once you say yes, you have committed. Initially declining a commitment can provide an option to reconsider at a later time.
- Set a time limit and boundaries. If you do agree to help out, limit your availability. Specifically tell the person the time, date, and location where you can be available and stick to that. We all have limits and it is important to recognize them and let others know what they are. Being consistent means that others learn how to treat you and gives you an opportunity to address any boundary violations if it happens.
- Realize you have a choice: People-pleasers often feel like they have to automatically say yes when someone asks for their help. You have a choice about whether or not you say yes or no even if it feels like you don’t.
- Set your priorities: If your to-do is too long or you have competing demands on your time, knowing your priorities and values helps to organize what you need to do. Ask yourself, “What are the most important things to me?” and use that to decide which task to do.
- Use an empathic assertion. If you want to increase the likelihood that the person you are saying no to feels heard, use an empathic statement. Let them know that you understand where they are coming from and how much it might mean to them, but unfortunately, you cannot help out right now.
- Start small. Take baby steps and give yourself opportunities to practice setting boundaries on a meaningful, but realistic scale. Taking a step in the right direction, no matter how small, gets you closer to where you want to be. If you are preparing for a challenging conversation, write down what you would like to say beforehand. That way you don’t have to come up with the words on the spot. It also gives you practice formulating how you would like to say it.
- Don’t apologize if it is not your fault. People-pleasers tend to apologize non-stop even if they are not at fault for the situation. Are you apologizing for something negative you did or are you simply apologizing because that is what you do when you think someone is displeased?
- Don’t be scared of the fallout. People-pleasers often worry that saying no will destroy the relationship. It rarely is. It is likely that the other person is not as worried and invested in the outcome as you are. It might be challenging and surprising for them at first, especially since they are used to you always saying yes, but chances are they will adjust.
- Recognize when you’ve been successful. Give yourself credit for your successes. It is easy to focus on all of the “mistakes” you have made, but make sure not to dismiss positive changes.
- Realize that you can’t be everything to everyone. Trying to make everyone happy all of the time is impossible. Their happiness is temporary and then you feel responsible for maintaining their mood. The only thoughts and feelings you can change are your own.
These are just a few strategies to help–therapy is also going to be extremely helpful in this case.
So this is your PSA that it’s safe to set boundaries and express your emotions!