Getting My Partner To Engage In Power Play
Q: I’m discovering that I love pain and am getting to orgasm on pain. But I’m in an eight-year vanilla marriage. He’s not interested in giving/receiving pain, so how do I cope with this new discovery?
A: If you speak to people who practice BDSM, they will say there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. They also compare this type of pain to what marathon runners experience—the “runner’s high” after a run that includes some significant pain, as we can imagine. Maybe your partner is just freaked out when he hears the word “pain” and you asking him to inflict pain on you. I guess that he doesn’t quite understand all of this. So the first step is for both of you to read up on this topic. Much has been written about BDSM for beginners. A little bit of knowledge can go a long way too, at the very least, open up discussions. Many people discover or develop interests outside of vanilla sex later in life. What’s important is to be able to discuss your interests, desires, and even fantasies with your partner. If you are having trouble with such conversations, it might be a good idea to sit with a sex therapist together.
BDSM Not For Me
Q: Have you ever encountered people who thought they wanted the dom/sub experience only to realize that it really wasn’t for them? I once told a guy I was interested in that I had a rape fantasy, and I remember how happy he was and how willing he was to slap me hard across the face and I froze. My fantasy and his weren’t really at the same level.
A: Absolutely! Clearly, the way it happened wasn’t what you had fantasized about. You may still be interested in power dynamics and role play, but it has to be on your terms. I think the best way to handle this going forward is to let a partner know that you would be interested in exploring power exchange, but you need to talk it out. Your partner needs to know what you would be comfortable with, which means you have to divulge this information. If you are not too clear on what you would like, I recommend starting out slowly with light role-play. Going straight to a big slap across the face is certainly not ideal. Do a bit of research as well so that you can explore the scope of BDSM play. Check out The BDSM Circle for lots of information.