Trying New Things
Q: So, with a previous partner, we had sex that involved hair pulling, choking, and sometimes some open-handed slaps. Long story short, I was really into it, and I want more. I’m not interested in the whole BDSM scene—leather, restraints, and all that stuff isn’t for me. But I do want to meet partners who are into what I’m into. I find the BDSM dating/hookup sites I’ve looked at were more for the whips-and-chains scene than for people like me.
A: This is still a form of BDSM, and many people are into this as well, however mild you consider it. Using dating websites for like-minded people is a good idea. However, you can indicate how far you want to go on your profile. The other option is to date in general and having the conversation with a potential partner about what it is you like. They may be more than happy to oblige. Just make sure you are open and straightforward about your boundaries (how far you want to go).
Cuckolding Fetish
Q: I love watching my wife having sex with another guy! I love when she is the dominant one. I recently discovered that this is called a “cuckolding” fetish. Does this make me weird?
A: It may be outside the “norm” but that doesn’t make it weird (although for some who are less knowledgeable about the less common varieties of sexual interests, they may judge it as ‘weird’). Cuckolding for those who may not know is not the same as cheating, even though another person is involved. The big difference here is that all participants (including the watcher) are all consenting and eager. This kink is related to BDSM where there is a power exchange (domination, submission, humiliation). In fact, it’s a very common theme that is searched for on porn sites—so less “weird” than you might think. Some people have the cuckold fantasy and only want to hear their partner talk about sex with someone else rather than actually watching. There are many reasons why people seem attracted to this fetish, and it could be different for everyone. Some theories include the biological “sperm competition theory”; the thought that someone else desires your partner can trigger your own desire; people high on compersion (feeling happy watching your partner happy); those that enjoy humiliation play; submission; or something that is considered taboo. Studies show that couples who engage in these forms of sexuality tend to have great communication and feel very connected (the opposite of what you would find in cases of infidelity).