Coming Back
Q: The last person I dated was really mean to me and picked on me about my looks. He also criticized my body…including my cellulite, my ass, and my vagina. After we broke up, I had no confidence. I started dating someone else who is amazing, and at first, the sex was great, but currently, we’re in the middle of a three-month dry spell. And I have to admit; I’m likely the main problem. I feel totally unsexy and like I have no desire for sex or even to be touched down there. I thought I was over what happened in the past, but I think it might be creeping back up on me…and that is how. How do I get over it? How do I ever make myself want sex again?
A: How horrible to be abused in such a way! No one should ever be treated this way, especially by someone who claims to have feelings for you. The result is a stripping away of self-esteem. Know that you are beautiful as you are—no one is perfect—we all have our imperfections! We all deserve to be loved for who we are! I’m so happy you found someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated. Nevertheless, sometimes, having been traumatized by a partner can creep up again and make a person feel self-conscious. You may find it helpful to talk to a professional therapist to help you overcome this type of betrayal, and maybe even try to understand how and why this ex had such a hold on you. Start by loving yourself. Look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I am the most important person in my life,”; “I am enough,”; “I am lovable and desirable”.
Breaking Celibacy
Q: I am a heterosexual female. I have been celibate for 16 years. I am ready to break my celibacy, but I really don’t feel as confident about life as I once did. Is there any advice that you can give to someone like me?
A: I assume you are talking about getting back into the dating game. It’s not always easy to know where to start, as things have certainly changed in the last 16 years. The first place to start is to explore dating apps. You can see the kinds of guys you would want to date, and I suggest you go on lots of dates but keep your expectations low. Don’t put pressure on yourself (or your date) for it to be perfect or maybe “the one”. Treat dating like you just want to meet a bunch of interesting people. Some will be more interesting than others, but you can learn something from everyone you meet. You can also make new friends if there is no romantic interest. Having the right attitude will keep you from giving up when you have a couple of bad dates (and you probably will).
To get on an app, you will have to create a profile. Make sure you use recent pictures. Keep your bio short and sweet. You can also ask friends who have done this for a bit of guidance. When you do go out on a date, do it safely. That means don’t share your address with potential dates. Meet them as soon as possible (rather than after months of texting together) in a public place for a short date (like coffee). Have your own mode of transportation lined up too, and bring money so that you can pay for yourself or a cab if needed.
Remember that you can set your own rules. So don’t do anything you are not comfortable with. If you want to take it slow and not jump into bed with someone, that is perfectly fine. You need to make your expectations and personal rules known to your date if it looks like it may lead to more.
On another note, if you were asking me about sex and how to get back into that, you want to approach slowly. I would suggest you get your vagina ready by regularly masturbating using dildos of increasing size. Also, don’t forget to use lots of lubricant. You should also be practicing safe sex, always using a condom with a new partner. Make this one of your rules, and make sure not to break your own rules.
Unfortunately, you may encounter men who will make you feel pressured. Submitting to pressure by a partner is not consent! Consent should be given enthusiastically. Remember that the more you do something, the easier it will get, and you will gain more confidence. Go easy on yourself, and don’t take rejection to heart (because it’s likely to happen to all of us). Good luck on your new journey.