Getting on the Same Level
Q: My wife and I have been together eight years and have got in a rut with the kids and our work. We have no time, when I want it she doesn’t, and when she does I don’t. When we do have sex, it’s just the same thing every time. My wife won’t try anything new. Toys, outfits, movies, anal, roleplay, dirty talk, nothing. I’ve asked over and over. I leave her dirty notes. She won’t respond and thinks it’s nasty. What can I do?
A: It’s quite normal and common for couples to find themselves in this kind of rut. Life gets busy with kids, work, etc. This is why it is so important for couples to schedule time to be together. It doesn’t sound sexy, but it may be the only way for the two of you to connect. On the subject of trying new things, I’m wondering if you are not pressuring your wife too much (or she just may be feeling pressured). And by doing so, she may be trying to push back by not even considering anything new. Your wife has to feel comfortable with her sexuality and safe (which means no putting her down because she won’t try anything) with you. Once you have established a regular schedule of sex, you may suggest that you would love to try new things and you can have her suggest some things she would be comfortable considering. You will have to start off small of course. In a healthy relationship, it’s also important that we respect each other’s boundaries, so don’t push too hard.
Introduction to Anal
Q: My wife is too scared to try anal sex.
A: Although it is important to respect your partner’s boundaries, sometimes fear of a particular sexual activity is due to a lack of information. So the first step is to get informed. Before trying to penetrate with your penis, ask your wife if you can play in that area with your finger. Make sure that she feels in control, and if she says stop, then you must stop, otherwise, she will not feel safe and trust that you won’t hurt her. If she is okay with you playing with the outside of her anus, then you can move on to inserting a little of your finger and then move on from there. Always do this when she is ready and relaxed and you have used lots of lubrication. If she is still very uncomfortable, then let it go. There are many other ways to be sexual.
To Swing or Not to Swing
Q: In my previous marriage, my wife and I use to swing. My ex-wife was bisexual and very much into the lifestyle. My present wife is not bisexual and does not like the idea of swinging. The problem is after 20 years of marriage, the sex is boring. Not that it isn’t good, it is just the same thing over and over. In bed, lights off, the same positions. I have told my wife this and she was very upset and offended. I did mean to be mean, just honest. I have asked her what she would find exciting, and have offered many suggestions; such as, dressing up, erotic photography, bondage, I even offered to share her with another man. She said no to all of that, stating that she is not into any of that and just enjoys our intimacy. What are your suggestions? I don’t want to cheat on her but I am at the point of needing something more and something new and exciting.
A: Your current wife is clearly expressing her boundaries with you. Clearly, your past actions indicate a greater openness and perhaps a kinky side to you, whereas your wife is more “vanilla”. Being able to openly discuss sexuality with one’s partner is a big plus of course. There is nothing wrong with asking your wife to mix things up a little, but your suggestions may be too extreme for her. How about starting off small? Tell her you would like a bit more experimentation and ask her what she would be comfortable doing rather than what she would find exciting (which she may not know, or doesn’t want to explore at this point). Suggest some very light bondage, like a blindfold and engage in sensory play. Maybe try some dirty talk, or change up where you have sex, and explore different positions.