How often we can get caught up in our own heads during sex, thinking about our to-do list, processing something our partner said, contemplating our sexual skills, or obsessing about how our body looks at that moment. While this is a common human experience, it does not help us have the sexiest or most connected experience with ourselves or our partner. Further, being in our heads can also contribute to having a more difficult time maintaining erections or experiencing orgasm. Practicing mindful awareness in sex helps us to anchor back into the present and back into the experience unfolding. Luckily for us, we have our own five senses as one of the best tools to remedy this challenge.
Learning to drop into our own five senses anchors us back into the body from our busy brains. Next time we are being sexually intimate with our partner, we can make conscious effort to feel into them with our sense of touch and experience our sexual pleasure expanding exponentially. By focusing on the texture of our partner’s skin beneath our fingertips, being fully present to the silkiness of their hair, or finding total presence in the enjoyment of our role as a giver or receiver, we can find that staying anchored in the moment becomes easier. We can even use our sense of touch to physically feel where our partner may be holding tension and see if we can bring our attention here to help them release and relax back into us. It’s when we allow our minds to get caught up in the busyness of things outside this moment that we will find ourselves in disconnection and lessoned enjoyment. Another way we can help ourselves stay engaged in touch is by varying up our styles of touch. By trying gliding, gripping, nail scratching, breath blowing, finger tapping, squeezing, rolling, and communicating as to what feels good, we can create interest in the participation while also expanding our own understanding of what it is we may like. We can also try Synchronizing with the rise and fall of our partner’s breath, allowing relaxation and openness of our body and thus creating more sensitivity. The synchronization also helps us to come back into rhythm with our partner when we may feel disconnected or have trouble pairing up.
We can engage our sense of smell by breathing in the scent of our partner. This can invite their pheromones into our system that may support arousal or desire. These pheromones are amazing body chemicals we produce that affect our behaviors. We can also take in the scent of our environment or add to the aroma of the space to amplify the mood. Burning incense or candles or spraying an enticing fragrance in the air can help us ground deeper into the experience when we consciously connect to them.
We can use our sense of taste when we open our mouths and engage the pleasure of the tongue. Whether we are tasting the salt of our partner’s skin or sweetness in their kiss, becoming focused on our palate can be a powerful and pleasure-filled experience. We can expand this further, by inviting foods into the play. Fruits, chocolates, and desserts are often popular fun ways to add to the play and bringing sweetness into the mix.
Sound can be engaged by tuning into the subtle and not so subtle tones of our partner’s building pleasure. Listening to the changing pace and heaviness of their breathing or even using words to express the delight being experienced. Sounds provide feedback to our partner which can be incredibly encouraging, arousing, and amplifying to the experience. When we create our own sound from within our own bodies, the vibration can break up held tension, helping us to let go and experience greater sensitivity and pleasure from within. Encouraging sound not only contributes to greater letting go of the body into pleasure, but the sound also provides a form of feedback to our partner, often encouraging and arousing them more. Sound from the environment can be beneficial using music to help you anchor to the beat and find a more fluid rhythm in your body’s connection.
Finally, we can amplify our attention to our visual sensation by creating an ambiance that is visually enticing. Lighting candles or placing a scarf over the light creates a soft, dim environment subduing us from pieces in the room that may cause distraction. We can also play with the sense of sight by adorning our own bodies with visually appealing details, whether that’s lingerie or other clothing or costume that elicits a visceral pleasure response in the body.
Mindfulness is a powerful tool to combat the challenge of distraction and disconnection. Fortunately, we are pre-build with all that we need for it. By consciously engaging in these five senses we have, we not only expand our pleasurable experience of the sexual activity itself, but we further deepen the connection, the bond, the synchronization with our partner, too.