When people fall in love, they can’t keep their hands off each other. But six months to a year later, the hot-and-heavy period subsides and sexual frequency usually declines. That’s no problem if both people experience the same decrease in libido. But typically, one wants sex more often than the other, and desire differences become a sore point in many hetero relationships. In fact, today, desire differences are a leading reason why couples consult sex therapists.
When desire differences emerge, who wants sex more? That’s a no-brainer, right? The man. Perhaps you’ve heard the old joke: What’s foreplay to a man married for a decade or more? An hour of pleading.
There are plausible biological reasons why, in general, men would want more sex than women. Male sex hormones fuel libido in both genders (testosterone in men and a similar hormone in women). Compared with women, men have higher levels of male sex hormones. Studies of transgender people show that when men take female sex hormones on the way to becoming women, they typically report a reduction in sexual urgency. But when women take testosterone on their way to becoming men, they usually experience a spike in libido.
An evolutionary argument corroborates this. The biological purpose of life is to reproduce life, to send one’s genes into future generations. Women are most likely to do this by having a few children and nurturing them until they, too, reproduce. That works for men, too, but men can also pursue another strategy—impregnate as many women as possible.
These explanations sound compelling, but if they truly explained desire differences, we would expect the overwhelming majority of men to want sex more often than the overwhelming majority of women. Oddly, that’s not the case.
Over the past 30 years, I’ve informally polled many sex therapists about the gender break-down of desire differences. My findings can’t be called scientifically rigorous, but the therapists’ replies have been remarkably consistent: In half to two-thirds of couples who consult sex therapists, the man wants sex more, but in one-third to half of couples, it’s the woman. So, in general, men have greater libidos than women, but among couples who seek sex therapy for desire differences, it’s often the other way around.
A fascinating book, Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality offers an explanation. Co-authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha suggest that prehistoric women were just as libidinous as men and maybe more so. But for better or worse, we live in the modern world, a world in which men are allowed to feel lusty, but women are supposed to be demure and sexually coy.
Chronic desire differences can drive people crazy. But in our culture, when the man wants sex more, that may cause conflict, but, it’s expected. Most couples assume men are more libidinous. When the woman wants sex more, the couple descends into that special circle of hell reserved for those caught in culturally unexpected circumstances. It’s bad enough to have a chronic desire difference, but when the situation contradicts the conventional wisdom that women are erotically reserved, while men are insatiable, desire differences feel even more distressing.
I sympathize. In your relationship, if she is more sexually motivated than he is, you’re by no means alone. In millions of American couples, after men say “good-night,” the women may grit their teeth, or cry, or reach between their legs or for vibrators.
Ladies, don’t let wanting sex more than your man deter you from working to change things. Sex therapists have developed a program that often resolves desire differences—not always, but often. When the program works, it works no matter who wants sex more. For more on this program, see the chapter on desire differences in my recent book, Sizzling Sex for Life. And if my chapter doesn’t provide sufficient relief, consider consulting a sex therapist. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology.