As a clinical sexologist and sex coach, I have talked with numerous couples about their desire to swing, their challenges with starting, and how to navigate their sexy and fun times in the lifestyle.
Those who are already swinging recount the awkwardness of those early conversations where they were feeling out the possibilities. I will say: husbands, if you only want to swing so you can have another woman sexually, then swinging is not for you. This needs to be about your wife’s desires and pleasures, as much, if not more than your own.
You are deciding as a team and if one person isn’t on board, then swinging isn’t a lifestyle that can be pushed. Once you are there, where the idea of her playing is a turn on for you, then here are six ways to start the sexy conversation about swinging and steps to take to move forward.
Discuss the Reasons Why You Want to Swing
It’s important to have open communication where you are able to discuss your fantasies, desires and kinky pleasures. What is it about swinging that interests you? Make sure it is something you both desire or want to learn more about. Sometimes people decide to swing to spice up their relationship, add variety, or just because of curiosity.
If you are thinking that you want to try swinging to fix a broken or strained relationship, then most likely, it is doomed from the start. The swinging lifestyle should be something to enhance a solid foundation rather than used to try and rebuild a falling structure.
Decide How You Want to Swing
Do you want to go online first? You can set up a profile on a swing site and stay a little more behind the scenes to see how it goes. Communicate with others back and forth and find someone who understands you’re new to the game and will start by showing you the ropes.
If you want to try a swing club first, you can kick back and watch the action and use that as a communication tool with your partner to see what they like, want and what will be ok between the both of you.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is one of the most important aspects of swinging. Knowing boundaries and limits can make the difference between a great night or night of damage to your relationship. Some questions you may consider asking are: what kind of activities are ok, what is off limits, and when do you need to check in or ask to make sure you are still on the same page? You should have a safe word or a phrase you use when you feel uncomfortable or if someone is pushing a boundary and you are ready for a break to discuss. Some boundaries to establish or ask each other would be, for example: do we always play together in the same room, can we do oral on others, have sex with others, or even kiss others.
Learn the Language
If you are not familiar with the lingo such as “the lifestyle,” “a unicorn,” “full swap,” or “soft swap,” you will want to take time to understand what is what or you may find you are put in a situation that you didn’t plan on because you didn’t know the right words!
For example, full swap is a term used for couples that have sex with other couples whereas soft swap means they don’t have intercourse with others, but can play together within their own limits. A unicorn is woman who is single and can be a third wheel, which in the swinging lifestyle is a welcome addition.
Speaking of “lifestyle”, well that is just it, it’s a lifestyle that swingers live. You also have “bisexual”, where a woman is totally into other women and men, but “bi-curious” means the woman may be not be totally comfortable with other women in bed together but would like to explore the possibilities.
Discuss How You Would Meet Couples
There are a few ways to meet others in the lifestyle. A swing club is a great way to meet others as most of the people there tend to be open minded and most likely, are there for the same reason as you are. When people are open-minded like that, they know and understand that not everyone will connect and not every couple will be attracted to each other.
Swing clubs usually have a relaxed, no pressure atmosphere because they all have strict “no means no” policy. You can sit back, watch what is going on around you and take it all in. You don’t have to do anything with anyone ever, so the first time you go it may be a good idea just to go to feel the eroticism of the club and be intimate with your own partner to start.
If, at first, you decide clubbing isn’t for you, try going online to a local swing site and put your info in and connect to others through that avenue. It may be more discrete since you can post pictures and not show your face.
Communicate Every Time—Before, During and After
One of the most important things you can do to have a successful relationship with another couple or couples is to make sure you always communicate. Before you get together you should discuss what you are going to do or at least, what is ok to do and how to stop things if needed.
When you are together with another couple, remember to pay attention to your partner, their cues and body language. If you think something is off, or that your partner is uncomfortable, then you need to acknowledge it and find out what’s going on.
When you are done and go home together on your own, discuss the evening and make sure all went as planned and that there isn’t something that bothered or upset your partner and if there is, make those changes immediately to make sure it isn’t something that happens again.
There may be times where you get started in the lifestyle and then, after a while, one member of the couple decides to change their mind. This is ok and it does happen, so you have to be prepared going in that this is temporary and the most important thing is the two of you as a couple. Having a loving, stable relationship with your partner is key to having a successful swinging lifestyle to add spice, variety, and fun to your relationships. Just remember your partner is your number one.
For more from Dr. Stacy Friedman, check out www.drstacy.org and www.drstacybook.com