TMoaning during sex is one way to let our partner know that we are enjoying what is happening. I decided to write this article after somebody messaged me the question, “If a girl isn’t making noise, is she not enjoying the hookup?” Upon first glance, this seems like a very simple concept: when it feels good, our partners will moan in pleasure, when it doesn’t they won’t, right?
Not necessarily. There are numerous factors that may influence how much noise somebody makes in bed.
First, most of our early experiences masturbating take place in our parents’ house, where we learn to be as quiet as possible. This may be because we are taught that sexuality is shameful or simply because we don’t want our parents to hear our first outbursts of pleasure. Regardless, many of us move from our parents’ house to shared college dorms, where if you don’t want to be a crummy roommate, sex and masturbation still has to be kept reasonably quiet. It is often not until we are full-blown adults that we have our own space to be as expressive as we want, and perhaps at this point, it is hard to shift our already developed habits of thinking of sex as something that is meant to be quiet.
On the other hand, female pleasure in pornography and mainstream media almost always shows women being extremely loud. Think of the fake orgasm scene in the diner from When Harry Met Sally. Most pornography is made by men for men. Actresses may exaggerate their moans to give the pleasure-giver confidence. Also because when women orgasm, there is less physical expression than their might be in males, the female “money shot” is usually portrayed through their outbursts of pleasure. After watching porn and seeing the standard of female pleasure portrayed in popular media, many women learn to believe that loud sex is equivalent to good sex.
What does the research into sexy-time sounds, or as the academics say, copulatory vocalizations, show?
A study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior explored sounds that partners make during sexual encounters. It was found that heterosexual women were most vocal during intercourse, specifically before and during male orgasm, compared to sounds made during masturbation, being touched by a partner, and oral sex. Interestingly, research shows that heterosexual women are the least likely to orgasm during intercourse, compared to when engaging in masturbation, manipulation by a partner, and oral sex. In other words, women are louder during their partner’s orgasm than their own.
Does this mean that women’s moans and squeals really mean that they are saying “hurry up and finish so that we can cuddle and watch Star Trek?” Not necessarily. But it does mean that women seem to have conscious control over the sounds that they make, which may be influenced by porn and/or their desire to increase their partner’s self-esteem. But it could also be any number of other things. I find that sometimes at the beginning of intercourse I may slightly exaggerate by making intense sounds, but then the sounds I make turn my partner on, which then turns me on, so that by the end the slightly amplified moans have become genuine.
What are the key messages about moaning?
If you are hooking up with someone who is quiet in bed, talk to them about it. My first query would be to confirm that they are consenting to have sex because people often disengage and are silent because they don’t want to be having sex, and don’t feel comfortable expressing that. Once you confirm that they want to be engaging sexually, check in with them and see if they are enjoying the encounter. Ask questions like, “Does this feel good?” or “Could I do anything to please you better?” If they affirm that they are experiencing enjoyment, perhaps they simply express pleasure quietly.
It can be fun to play with sounds with your partner. Perhaps, do an experiment where one time you have sex, you are as loud as possible, and another time try to be as quiet as possible. You can then debrief about how it felt to experiment with sound and which of your partner’s sounds you found arousing.
Don’t ever tell your partner to be louder in bed. Some people are naturally louder or quieter than others. It is not uncommon for women to need to focus to get in the zone to orgasm, and having them focus on sound and not on sensation can make it more difficult to relax, thus decreasing pleasure.
Don’t focus too much on the sounds you make. You deserve pleasure! Only expressing moans when you are actually experiencing pleasure will teach your partner what really turns you on—leading to greater satisfaction overall.