Do you look at the problems in your relationship and think the only solution is for your partner to change? Try seeing your relationship as a mirror that is telling you things about yourself that perhaps you didn’t realize—things that can help you improve your relationship.
“The closer the relationship, the clearer the mirror,” wrote Indian philosopher Acharya Rajneesh. Few people know you as well as your partner. That’s why a relationship can be a mirror that can tell you things about yourself that your friends may not notice—but your partner sees and reacts to. Even if your partner is critical, you can still learn from it.
There’s a saying, “When you point your finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing back at you.” Ask yourself: What is this problem telling me about myself? How do I have to change to get my partner to respond to me the way I want?
“When I realized the relationship was a mirror, I felt empowered,” Edward said. “I was no longer a victim helplessly waiting for Mary to change. When I looked at what I was doing and saw how I was contributing to the situation, I realized I could improve the relationship by changing myself.”
“It was easy to blame Mary’s history of trauma for the way she constantly criticized me and complained that I couldn’t do anything right,” Edward added. “I was convinced the only solution was for her to change.”
But she wasn’t changing.
“Even though I believed it was Mary’s fault for acting the way she did — fault didn’t matter. I had to change because I didn’t like what was going on. I realized the criticizing and complaining were happening because I let it go on. I stopped being passive and became more of a leader. I started asking her to support me on what I was trying to do. She responded the way I wanted. The situation improved.”
Susan didn’t understand why, when there was a problem at home, Peter would always wait for her to decide what needed to be done and tell him what to do. He was a leader at work and she admired him for it, but she resented him not taking the lead at home.
“Looking in the mirror, what was this situation telling me about myself? I realized that because I was always telling him what to do, he expected it and wouldn’t do anything on his own,” Susan said.
“Blaming Peter wouldn’t have changed anything. I had to change. I started telling him some of the responsibilities that needed to be done and said, “Would you please handle it?” When he asked me what he should do, I said, “I don’t know. I trust you to come up with a good plan.” Peter was surprised at first but he handled it.
Jacob liked getting together with other people at social gatherings. Melissa was the opposite. She not only didn’t want to go but didn’t want him to go either. Jacob felt isolated and resented her for depriving him of something he enjoyed.
He asked himself, “What is the mirror telling me about myself?” He realized he was seeing himself as a victim who couldn’t do anything about the situation. He needed to do an about-face and be more supportive and help her become more confident in social situations.
“I was ignoring the three fingers pointing back at me. Instead of complaining about her, I needed to help her overcome her fears.”
He told Melissa how he was proud of her and wanted his friends to meet her and see what a wonderful and beautiful woman she is. With Jacob’s continued encouragement and support, she became more comfortable going with him.
To see what the mirror is telling you and to use it to improve your relationship:
- What problems do you blame on your partner and think the only solution is for your partner to change? How can you change so your partner will respond the way you want?
- Have you been treated the same way in other relationships? What do these relationships have in common? You. What is it about your own behavior that they may be reacting to?
- If you did the complete opposite of what you’re doing now, what would you do and how do you think your partner would respond?
- Most people want feedback that is inspiring and motivating. If your partner is critical your reaction may be to ignore it. Try reframing what they said and look for the positive lesson it may contain that can help you grow.
When we’re convinced it’s our partner’s fault and the only solution is for them to change, it can be hard to see what we’re contributing to the problem. By realizing the relationship is a mirror, we can see how we need to change and be empowered to improve our relationships.
To receive a free chapter from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: ElliottRKatz@aol.com His book How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man – which was translated into 24 languages — shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being the man a woman loves and respects. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
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