“I want to have a threesome.”
“I want us to have sex with other people.”
“I want to watch you have sex with someone else.”
You might be thinking all of these things and more. But imagine your partner hearing you say a line like this or being the person that’s on the receiving end…without any warning or preparation whatsoever.
You’re in new territory here. Chances are, you may never have told your partner about your desire to open up your relationship to the possibility of other lovers. Moving from a monogamous way of thinking to a swinging or another kind of consensually non-monogamous mindset one can be touchy. Easing slowly into this process is going to be crucial.
Before you talk to your partner, I recommend checking out my Pornhub article: 5 Things to Know Before You Talk to Your Partner About Swinging, to help you prepare.
So, how do you initiate that first conversation?
Here are some tips to guide you.
#1 Don’t Make It a Big Deal
Even if you’ve wanted to bring this up for a while, the idea of swinging might already not be on your partner’s radar. Try not to come off as overly eager or seem impatient for them to immediately say Yes, or you’ll likely get the opposite reaction.
If you start off with “I have something important to tell you” or “we need to talk”, your partner might feel guarded and on edge because of the tone you’re setting. Keep it cool, even if you’re freaking out on the inside. If you’ve already taken their temperature by doing what I mentioned in my first article in this series, then leading with something casual like “Remember that podcast I shared with you? What did you think about that?” is a good way to open up the dialogue.
#2 Tread Softly and Emphasize Togetherness
Maybe you want to do it all to the extreme, and you have a bunch of pent-up fantasies – like playing separately from your partner, having big orgies and gangbangs, etc. – those are details that you might want to wait on. Giving your partner too many scenarios or things to think about could make them feel overwhelmed.
Start small. If your partner asks what you have in mind, start with something introductory, like maybe just having a drink at a swingers’ club and being in that atmosphere. Or you want to watch them dance with another person or flirt with someone else in the club, or watch other people have sex. Swingers’ clubs aren’t for everyone, so you can also peruse dating profiles on swingers’ dating sites like SDC as another way to connect with other open-minded people. There, you can also find out about upcoming local events and meet-and-greet nights for those who are new to the lifestyle or are just curious. Whatever the case, make sure your partner knows that you have no expectations. You just want to take the first step with them within the boundaries that are comfortable for them and see how you both feel.
We all have our own insecurities. Your partner’s first thought or feeling might be that they’re not enough for you, or you don’t want to have sex with them anymore. Reassure them that you care about them and that you’re attracted to them. You want to explore this together to enhance your awesome relationship and experience new erotic adventures together. By making them feel more confident in your bond, they might feel a bit more relaxed about exploring this idea.
#3 Listen and Observe
Observe your partner’s body language. Are they biting their nails, looking away from you, or fidgeting a lot? They might be processing what you’re saying or are feeling uncomfortable. Pay attention to the tone of their voice. Do they seem hesitant in any way with what you’re suggesting? Being receptive to your partner’s words and nonverbal behavior will give you clues about when it’s time to back off or suggest picking up the conversation at a later date, once they have some time to process.
#4 Expect Them to Say NO
When you’re in a relationship, the only way to be in the lifestyle is if your partner enthusiastically consents. If your partner says no, making them feel bad or guilty or trying to coerce them into something they don’t want to do is NOT an option. I’ve met a few couples who weren’t on the same page before entering the lifestyle, and their relationships did not survive the buildup of anger, resentment, jealousy, and insecurity. If they say “maybe” or “I don’t know yet” then you might have a better chance of resuming the conversation another time.
#5 Have a Follow-Up Chat
It often takes couples at least a few conversations before deciding to open up their relationship. So, if your partner says they need to think about it, or get more information, or they’re not ready yet, then give them a chance to think it through on their own terms. Be patient, give them time and space, and bring it up again another day. For example, you can try: “Have you given any thought to what we talked about at dinner last week? How do you feel about it?” or “I was thinking about what we were talking about the other day. How about you?”
It’s best to have healthy communication in your relationship, so that it’s easier to have open conversations like these and the ones you will encounter along your swinging journey. Take time to ensure a strong foundation before approaching the idea of swinging together.
If you’re looking for more resources about swinging, check out SDC.com, and stay tuned for more of my articles here on Pornhub.
Lexi Sylver is the podcast producer and host of SDC Presents: Seek, Discover, Create, and the Media Content Director of SDC.com. She is also an ambassador and lifestyle coach for consensual non-monogamy, a sex educator, speaker and published erotic author. Find out more at LexiSylver.com.