Good sex takes time. When we are in the mindset that time is money, then we can become pressured to have things done as quickly as possible. In our desire to create pleasure quickly we may find ourselves fixated on and moving quickly towards penetration or orgasm as the believed purpose and endpoint. We can end up creating a lot of pressure on ourselves or our partner to be somewhere that our bodies may not be at quite yet. As a result, we can cause anxiety, disconnection, less satisfying experiences, less pleasurable orgasms, and an ungrounded feeling post-activity. If instead of rushing through the experience or forcing our bodies to work faster than what they wanted to go, we should instead tune into the language of our bodies as our guides, so that we may find pleasure in our experience expanding exponentially.
Our bodies move through various stages of arousal. These are characterized by a possible increase of lubrication, greater blood circulation to the genitals, engorgement of genitals, shift in nervous system response, change in breathing patterns, heightened sensitivity, orgasm or release of built-up pressure, and return to the stage of rest or beginning stages of arousal. To rush the body into penetration when it’s still in the beginning stages of arousal, can cause our female partners to feel less pleasure, more tension, potential pain, or longer time for an orgasm. Similarly, when men rush their process of arousal faster than their bodies are ready, it can impact their ability to get or maintain erections, contribute to early ejaculation, or difficulty with orgasm.
We think our body needs to be ready to go at a moment’s notice or be quick to finish because we don’t have the time. Unfortunately, this mentality only creates frustration, disappointment, pain and guilt when it doesn’t.
Here are some key points to keep in mind when it comes to the pressure of time on our sexual pleasure:
- Rewrite the script that satisfying sex equals penetration or that you must have an orgasm to be successful. Let all of the components of sex from touching and kissing to fondling to licking BE sex. If we have limited time, let it be playful touch or heavy making out, rather than full penetration. It can be incredibly hot to play without penetration in order to build the sexual energy and desire to then separate before orgasm and allow the buzz that’s created to be fuel to last you until your next time to connect up. Breathing into it and allowing the sensation to settle back into the body can help you out.
- Communication around where we are at in our stages of arousal or expectations around what time or mental capacity we have available for use at the time helps us to create a container in which we can relax into. Sometimes we only have the physical or mental energy to fool around, but not have penetration or orgasm. Speaking to this gives us permission to have the experiences that are accessible or desirable to us at that moment, while also giving clarity on boundaries and expectations for our partner. We can also consider communication in our timing of initiating sexual activity during times there are no immediate plans following that could contribute to pressure to move faster.
- We must remember to create time for sex, rather than waiting for life to create the time for us. And while we’d like sex to be spontaneous, sometimes we have to schedule it. As un-sexy as that sounds, there can be perks in doing so. Having a set time can create anticipation at the thought of it, or provide the opportunity to flirt and build up to it ahead of time. It can also be a sure-fire way that you get that physical intimacy time in amid busy lives. Having a decided time can allow for the frequency of sex to be negotiated and agreed upon so it doesn’t become a mystery or fight each time. It also allows for the opportunity to more easily get a babysitter to watch the kids for uninterrupted adult time.
- Try different times of the day for initiating sex as everyone’s bodies may respond preferably to one over the other. Night can be great for some, as they have the completion of the day behind them. For others, it may be that they are too exhausted or mind full of stressors of the day to be able to relax or be open to sex. Mornings can be great as the day is fresh and new, as well as our blood vessels relaxed and open for better circulation. For others, mornings are a rush to get ready and out the door to work, causing too much of a distracted mind for sex.
- If the reason contributing to the pressure of time stems from a pattern of overworking, there may be an underlying factor contributing. While we have many priorities in our lives, we can also use our productivity as a way to place value in ourselves, distract from facing insecurities around intimacy, or avoid issues that arise in the relationship, Self-inquiry can be a good tool for better understanding what is necessary and what we may be avoiding.
Time is a major contextual factor in our enjoyment of sexual pleasure. By allowing ourselves the time it takes for our bodies to naturally come into their full readiness and desire to receive, we are conditioning greater trust and allowance in our physical being. As a result, we are supporting the potential for a more expansive, pleasure-filled, and orgasmic experience for ourselves and our partners to revel in.