Does your partner criticize your friends to prevent you from spending time with other people?
Do you look forward to your partner being away so you can have some time to yourself or to see friends?
Do you think it’s because your partner loves you so much that they always want you to be with them and nobody else?
Some people may think it’s love. Your partner may even say it’s love. But preventing you from having time to yourself or with friends is not love. More likely, your partner feels threatened, jealous, or lacks self-esteem. This situation is more common than we may realize.
The need for friendships does not end when one is in a relationship. Friendships bring richness to life that make a person happier and a better partner. If your partner resents you spending time on your own or with friends, they need to realize you are not doing it to reject or be away from them. You are doing it for your own well-being and happiness.
You may hope that with time your partner will be more comfortable with you having time to yourself or with friends. That may happen, but often it takes confident action by you to help your partner realize that you need time for yourself and friends and that this is necessary for a healthy relationship.
If you are not able to make them realize this and they continue preventing and resenting you when you want to have time for yourself or with friends, it may mean you need to end the relationship.
When Mark wanted to go on a wilderness canoe trip with several other men, his partner Donna didn’t want him to go. In the past, when she didn’t want him to get together with friends, he would give in. This time he very much wanted to go and he insisted he was going. She stopped trying to prevent him.
After the first day of paddling, Mark asked the others, “Donna gave me such a hard time about going on this trip. Did that happen to anybody else?
Charlie said, “If I was still in my last relationship, I wouldn’t have been able to come at all.” Michael said, “I wanted Marissa to go canoeing with me but she didn’t want to. She wanted me to go on this trip so I’d stop asking her to go canoeing with me.” Harry, who had been through surgery the year before, said, “Deborah encouraged me to go. She felt that after the hard year I had last year, I would enjoy this trip.”
Mark realized his situation wasn’t healthy. He decided he needed to change his way of handling it.
Some Suggestions:
- Don’t attack your partner or say anything negative that will put them on the defensive.
- Explain how it is important to you and your relationship. You could say, “I appreciate that you want to be with me. I love being with you. But I also need some time to myself and with friends to recharge so I can be a better partner to you. I am not doing it to be away from you. I am doing it to be happier and refreshed for you.”
- After you have some time to yourself or with friends—show your partner how you have become a better partner by doing something that will make your partner feel special and appreciated.
- Suggest your partner get together with friends, join a group they would enjoy or do other things to keep busy while you get together with friends.
- Make a point of building up your partner’s self-esteem and making them realize how important they are to you. Tell them, “You are special to me. Our relationship is important to me.”
- If your partner makes excuses why you can’t have time to yourself or friends, think in advance of how you can calmly respond to what they say and calmly inform them that you will be going.
- If there is no improvement, it could be a red flag. If you feel isolated and can’t get your partner to change, it may be necessary to end the relationship.
Eve wanted to get together with friends once in a while. Her husband Bob resented it and prevented her from going. She said, “Bob, I need to spend some time with my friends so I can be happier and a better partner to you.” She went out with her friends and when she got home, she brought him a gift. She showed him she was a better partner by giving him a lot of attention in the days following. Bob became accepting of Eve spending time with her friends. Eve was a happier person and a better partner.
To receive a free chapter from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: ElliottRKatz@aol.com His book Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man—which was translated into 24 languages—shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being an emotionally strong man that a woman loves and respects. How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
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