I want to share my pronouns with you, I identify with he/him/his. My gender identity leans masculine, my experience of my gender is one that I feel is most accurately represented by the gender pronouns he/him/his, so that’s what I’m asking to be referred to as. I appear cisgender and identify as cisgender—my gender identity corresponds with the sex I was assigned at birth.
So what’s the fuss?
(If you’re curious about sex & gender, check out the Gender Unicorn.)
The Binary Illusion
You may remember pronouns from elementary school. Pronouns can replace proper nouns.
So when you write or talk, it doesn’t have to be:
“Nick ate the old cheeseburger. I will look for Nick. That’s Nick’s Puka shell necklace,”
you can use,
“He ate the old cheeseburger. I will look for him. That’s his Puka shell necklace.”
We learned it in a pretty binary way. For males, you replace names with he/him/his and for females, you use she/her/hers. That was it—you’re either rigidly a male or a female—it was presumed that we all, all ~7 billion of us, fit nicely into these two gender buckets.
The Non-Binary Reality
Just as the world is not black and white, gender isn’t limited to male or female.There are other gender identities. Transgender is often used as a blanket term for non-binary people, though terms like trans*, genderqueer, or non-binary can be more inclusive terms if you need something general as you’re learning more about someone’s identity. Ultimately, the best practice is to call people what they want to be called, and to not assume what that is.
You can’t necessarily see with your eyes a person’s authentic gender identity. However, you can become a safe person they feel comfortable sharing these sensitive parts of their identity with.
Call people what they want to be called.
They are people, people like you and me, PEOPLE, people. Did I mention these individuals who may prefer not-what-YOU-expect pronouns are people? In your life, you’re going to meet all sorts of different people. There will be people who look male but will identify better with the pronouns she/her/hers. There will be people whose biological sex is female, who aren’t trying to transition to being a man, but don’t quite feel that she/her/hers fits for them—they might use they/them/their. There will be people who use pronouns you’ve never seen before like ze/zir/zirs. And there will be those that use pronouns that you expect. You know how it can hurt when someone calls you the wrong name, someone that should know your name? Imagine being called the wrong pronouns, over and over and over…
“So, how do I do this?”
Great question—this is the right question. Approaching people with the mindset “how can I support this person and their identity,” is not only respectful but one that will allow the openness, and intimacy many of us desire. Following, we will discuss one way to approach learning someone’s gender pronouns and incorporating them in how you communicate:
In some scenarios, it will be best to share our own gender pronouns first. The pronouns we identify with may be obvious to others, so this can feel clunky. “Hi my name is Nick and I prefer the pronouns he/him/him.” Sometimes it is awkward—but put yourself in someone’s shoes who uses gender pronouns that aren’t obvious to others, it could feel awkward to them to share with you this is how they identify. You open yourself up to some vulnerability, but it is worth it; by you sharing your pronouns, you create space for others to share theirs. You allow others to be seen as themselves.
This being said, it is different for everyone and it is inherent that you will make some mistakes, that is okay (I myself have made many mistakes). Some people will be taken back that you assumed they use other gender pronouns. Sometimes people will expect you to know theirs. When you slip up, there are different ways to handle it. One approach can be connecting with that person, one on one, and letting them know, you know you made a mistake there; in this way, you let them know you see them as who they are. Others may prefer not to be approached after you’ve misgendered them, that’s fine too. You can then be affirming in the future by getting their pronouns right.
As you would with learning someone’s name (and calling them that), we should be open to learning someone’s gender pronouns. Be respectful of our siblings and please leave some space for people to have different pronouns than what’s apparent to you.
(ed. note: the featured picture is of Mykki Blanco, a performing artist and trans activist who recently wrote about pronouns here).