Remember how when you first fell in love with your partner you looked for ways to give—and when you gave, how your feelings of love grew? Remember how you bought them gifts and were always thinking of what you could do to help make their life easier?
After a while, feelings of love may not be as strong and one or both partners may have stopped looking for ways to give to the other. This is when relationship problems can start.
To keep feelings of love alive, you need to make a conscious effort to give — because giving and receiving are keys to a happy relationship. Like when you were first in love, focus again on looking for ways to give to your partner and make their life easier. Sometimes it can be hard, but to have a happy relationship, keep pushing yourself to give.
In some relationships one person may give more than the other. Are you the partner who is giving a lot and doesn’t ask for much in return? Or is it your partner who gives a lot?
Alice was always trying to give everything she could to Jack. She did her best to make a nice life for both of them. She cooked delicious meals. She helped him start a business — which unfortunately went bankrupt. She took evening courses to improve her skills so she could get a better paying job. She thought this would encourage Jack to do the same — but it didn’t.
Jeff tried his best to make Sandra happy. He worked hard and bought her gifts and didn’t ask for much in return. He thought he had given her so much that when he needed something from her, she would be happy to do it.
Alice and Jeff couldn’t understand why, after they gave so much, when they asked their partners to give to them, they didn’t get the response they expected.
“I thought if I gave everything I could to another person, that person would love me and give to me when I needed it,” Jeff said. “I also thought I was showing her how to be a giver. But when I did ask for something and was ignored, I felt I was being taken advantage of — as if I’m only here to give — and I resented it.”
Sometimes a person doesn’t ask their partner to give because they think it’s easier to do it themselves. “When we were first married, Sandra used to make my lunch for me to take to work, but I didn’t like the way she made it. It was easier for me to make it myself.” Jeff remembers.
You may think that when you give and give to another person you’re teaching them to give — but you may actually be teaching them to take. Your partner may think that you enjoy giving and the thought that you’re showing them how you want them to give doesn’t enter their mind.
A person learns to give by doing the action of giving. By getting your partner to do the action of giving, you’re not only helping your relationship you’re helping them experience the good feeling that comes with giving.
Giving And Receiving
If you’re the one doing all the giving, you can strengthen your relationship by giving your partner opportunities to give to you — not so that you take from them — but so their feelings of love for you can grow. You’re not taking from them. You’re receiving.
Start with small requests that they can give you. Don’t tell them that you’re doing this to teach them to give. For example, you could say, “I’m thirsty. would you please bring me a drink of water?” or “When you’re at the store, would you please pick up a copy of my favorite magazine?” Then gradually move up to bigger requests.
If your partner is the one doing all the giving, don’t let yourself think that they like to give and you don’t need to give to them. Look for ways to give to them and make their life easier. It will grow your feelings of love and make you want to keep giving.
Keep looking for ways to give to each other. Giving and receiving are important keys to a happy relationship.
To receive free chapters from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: ElliottRKatz@aol.com His book How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man—which was translated into 24 languages—shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being the man a woman loves and respects. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
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