Are you familiar with the iconic cartoon television show, The Flinstones? In almost every episode, Fred Flintstone has a run-in with his wife’s (Wilma) mother. She would often smack him on the head with her stone suitcase. In her eyes, he could do nothing right–he just wasn’t good enough for her Wilma. What happens when your in-laws don’t accept you? What happens when you don’t accept your adult child’s choice of mate?
Here is a scenario: a wife, never accepted by her in-laws, especially her father-in-law (her husband’s parents were divorced) and it seemed that she reminded the father-in-law of his ex-wife, so he hated her, and it certainly caused trouble in their marriage.
Conflict can happen with parental in-laws in general, and there are a couple of main reasons for that conflict:
Studies have shown that parents often become so protective of their children that no one they choose can ever be good enough for them. I can also tell you that parents sometimes wish to see their children succeed far beyond what they achieved in their own lives, which leads to very high expectations and hopes for their children. And because their hopes and expectations grow so big, they have little hope of ever being reached.
Obviously, it can be really hard to keep quiet when you don’t like or approve of your child’s partner – but you have to remember – he or she is their adult choice, not yours, so you have to bite your tongue.
Here are several pointers for those of you who are in-laws struggling with building a relationship with your child and his or her new partner:
- You will need to get rid of all of your expectations regarding mate selection. You may not be happy with their choice for all kinds of reasons, but you will still have to live with it. If you complain about it, you may risk losing touch with your adult child.
- Have some faith in your child’s judgment. If they were witness to a happy home and a good parental relationship, believe in that and their good sense.
- Don’t offer your advice without it being asked of you. Keep your opinions to yourself, as this will likely backfire
- Don’t put your child in the middle between you and their spouse. If you have an issue with their partner, try and address it directly with them.
- Make an effort to find something good, something you like, about your child’s choice. After all, your child certainly likes them.
- Beware of criticisms that come out of your mouth. Instead compliment something, anything!
Most of us have in-laws (son-daughter-father-mother), and it behooves us to make every effort to get along with them. Conflict with in-laws seeps into our relationships, often putting us in very conflictual positions. Always keep in mind, no matter how you feel about your in-law, it is still your partner’s family and therefore you must try to create harmony so that your partner is not stuck feeling like they have to choose. As a parent, you must be mindful that you do not put your child in a position where they must always defend their partner or have to choose between their life partner and you. Acceptance, compassion and kindness go a long way!