Edward wanted Mary to stay home when their children were little. He appreciated how hard she worked taking care of them. As the children got bigger, he wanted her to get a job and help bring in money, but she didn’t want to. It was difficult on Edward being the only one bringing in money. When he told her she needed to get a job, she threatened to divorce him.
Ann worked hard and took courses in the evening to upgrade her skills to get a better job. She thought she was showing her husband Tom what she wanted him to do. Unfortunately, Tom didn’t get the message and wouldn’t get a job. She resented having to shoulder the burden of earning money and gave him an ultimatum – get a job or the marriage is over.
Eric didn’t need Karen to bring in money but was concerned that she was unhappy being idle at home. He encouraged her to get a job but she was reluctant to do it.
Being reluctant to get a job can have serious impacts on a relationship. Just telling your partner to “Get a job” probably won’t work. You may be expecting them to push themselves to overcome whatever is holding them back from getting a job. If they won’t do it themselves, there are things you can do.
Look for underlying causes
The first step is to understand the underlying cause of their reluctance to get a job. Some common causes are:
Lack of confidence. This is common. They may have had bad experiences at their last job and fear they will have more bad experiences. They may also fear they won’t ever succeed.
They’re depressed. Ironically, being idle without a job can lead to depression.
They hated the work they did and don’t have the confidence to learn another skill.
They only want to work at a certain type of job or for a certain employer and that isn’t possible right now.
Inspiring your partner to get a job
You need to address the underlying issues and be supportive to your partner. Your ongoing positive encouragement and emotional support will show them that you have confidence in their abilities. This can be the most important thing a person needs to overcome what is holding them back from getting a job. Negative comments usually don’t work.
Here are ways to encourage and support your partner:
Say to them, “You have the ability. I see it in you.” Don’t let your partner give in to their fear of repeating bad experiences of the past. Remind them of the times they succeeded at their job and how highly regarded they were. Also remind them of what they can contribute and encourage them to focus on this.
Remind them of people who failed multiple times and went on to be successful. One of the most famous is Abraham Lincoln, whose setbacks included losing his job, being defeated for state legislature, failing in business, being defeated for a nomination for Congress, and being defeated for U.S. Senate twice. In 1860 he was elected President.
Remind your partner of people you know who had setbacks and failures and eventually found a job where they excelled. So many successful people today will say, “If you told me when I didn’t have a job that I would have reached where I am today, I would have said you’re dreaming.”
Remind them that doing something will lead to something. Doing nothing will lead to nothing. Do something and you will be surprised where it will lead.
Remind them and gently keep reminding them.
Encourage them
Help them find jobs in their field to apply for. Encourage them to tell everyone they know they are looking for a job. Use any connections you have to try to get them a job.
Encourage them to attend seminars on how to find a job and consider career counselling. Help them write an updated resume. If they need training to update or acquire new skills, encourage them to do it.
Encourage them to do volunteer work, part-time work, temporary contracts. These can help build confidence, give them experience and help them make connections that could lead to a full-time job.
Glen lacked confidence and felt discouraged. Emily encouraged him to keep contacting a man he had met who had a small business where she thought Glen would be a good fit. Glen didn’t want to keep calling him, but with Emily’s encouragement, he followed up and eventually got hired. He worked there for several years and then applied to a bigger organization. With the experience he acquired, he was hired and gradually moved into senior roles. Emily’s encouragement when he felt discouraged made a difference.
To receive a free chapter from each of Elliott Katz’s two relationship advice books, email him: ElliottRKatz@aol.com His book How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is full of strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man – which was translated into 24 languages — shares insights on how men can improve their relationships by being the man a woman loves and respects. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com
Follow him on Twitter @Elliott_Katz