Lack of Motivation to Date
Q: I am a 23-year-old male having watched porn since I was younger. I was curious at that age, and since everyone swept the topic of sexuality under the rug, I had to find out for myself with the help of the internet what a naked woman looked like and why I wanted to see one with such ardor.
I have tried to get into relationships with multiple females over the course of high school and college to no avail. They usually end in me getting incredibly anxious or bored. Either way, frustrated. I get frustrated at casual sex for its laissez-faire attitude towards sex, resentful at the incredible ease other people seem to have at it; watching porn to ease the overwhelming fact that the world is becoming even more disconnected than it ever has with our obsession with smartphones, screens, social media, etc. The typical approach is to say to find a hobby to distract the sexual thoughts, except that there aren’t any hobbies that look interesting, except for, possibly, something on a screen, which doesn’t help.
What reason is there to continue living in this ever-increasing techno-digital world without disintegrating into compulsive sexual acts if it doesn’t look like acting in a chivalrous, selfless way is supported by society any longer? What is there to do if all I see is my parents squabbling with each other over petty quarrels, selfish college students focused entirely on their own success as they venture out into the world, and a hopeless line of past experience that has been propped up by seemingly one dependable, reliable, and comforting support: masturbating with lesbian media?
A: It is certainly not unusual for young people to turn to porn to find out about sex, especially in the absence of good, comprehensive sex education. It sounds like you have not yet found the right person to have a relationship with (which frankly is not unusual for a 23-year-old). I also agree with you that the world and people seem more disconnected than ever in some ways. And in other ways, there have never been more options to meeting people then we have available today. It is a question of finding a like-minded partner. I do think many people still value respect, chivalry, and kindness. I think it’s important to stay true to your own values and seek a partner who shares them. As for life in general, there are many more things to do to occupy your time than to masturbate to porn. Your attitude is also important. You talk as if the world is all bad, and people are all bad. That is simply not true. Engage in activities that are meaningful and maybe fit with your values, like volunteering your time with those less fortunate. Try taking a course or joining a club with people who have similar interests. If you don’t know what you like, take some time to explore this. Are you more athletic (join a community league)? Do you like reading (start or join a book club)?. Are you more creative (take a painting or drawing course)? If you can’t seem to get out of this slump you are in, I would suggest you speak to a counselor/therapist.
Sugar Daddy Dating
Q: I’ve been on the website seeking arrangements for a long time, I’ve met a few guys usually doesn’t lead farther than the first date. But I’ve had scary experience once before on the site, then I came back, reserved but cautiously optimistic. So now I’m worried about meeting people online in real life. What should I do?
A: I’m sorry you had some scary experiences, but unfortunately, there is a risk with online dating. If you want to meet someone in person, make sure it is in a public place and make your own way there. Do not get picked up at home. Do not share personal information like your last name, or give out your phone number. Make your first date a short coffee date.
Dealing With Being Single
Q: I’m a 58-year-old male and although “we” never had marital issues, after 22 years together, she left me for someone else. I haven’t so much as had lunch with a woman in over five years (yeah, ouch) let alone had sex. Masturbation relieves but I long so badly for if not a relationship, just roll in the hay. Any suggestions? I have been on dating sites, it’s not working. What about escorts? I almost feel like the need to just cuddle and have sex is killing me. I pray that you have advice for this lonely situation.
A: I’m terribly sorry for your loss. It sounds like you need to finally grieve the end of your marriage and move on. Finding a partner requires some work. You need to keep at it, and maybe try to get out of your house and join some activity groups. Think of what you like to do, and find similar-minded folks. You may want to join a yoga class, a community group, volunteer at a shelter, take up social dancing, etc. Choosing to go the route of hiring a sex worker is entirely up to you—no judgment here. But bear in mind that they are there to provide a sexual service and not to provide the intimacy it seems you crave. Rest assured there are plenty of single/divorced/widowed women out there in your age bracket looking for good men to date.