Dealing with Jealousy
Q: I have a jealous streak and I’m worried that it’s going to ruin my relationship. I came across my boyfriend’s porn history on his computer while I was using it to print a paper, and it made me feel ill. There wasn’t anything crazy there, but just the thought of him looking at other girls made me sick with jealousy. I tried to work on it on my own and rationalize that a lot of men look at porn in their private time, and I kind of got over it—until last week.
I was scrolling through Instagram and saw photos from a party one of his friends had, who I don’t know. My boyfriend didn’t post any photos from the party, but I came across this guy’s profile. I clicked on different girl’s profiles from the photos and scrolled a while. He follows them, which I rationalize by telling myself “Okay, of course he does, he knows them in real life.” But then I saw that he liked some of their selfies—and I felt like I was going to pass out.
I know it’s possible that it doesn’t mean anything, but anytime something like this comes up it feels like I lose my mind. I can tell myself to be reasonable, and that he’s never given me a reason to be jealous, but I can’t help my physical and emotional reaction. Is there anything I can do to stop being so jealous…..especially without letting him know just how bad I experience it?
A: I’m glad you recognize that this is your issue related to your own insecurities, especially since your boyfriend has not given you any reason to be jealous. Looking is not the same as doing. We can all be drawn to attractive people, but that doesn’t mean that we want to leave our relationship/the person we love, to be with these people. Nor does it mean that we are not attracted to or are dissatisfied with the person we love. You might want to speak to a therapist to help you reflect on the root causes of your jealousy and address these, as well as working on your self confidence and self esteem. It’s also okay to talk to your boyfriend about your feelings/your insecurities in a calm manner, being careful not to make any accusations. You may want to limit your “checking” behavior so as not to trigger your jealous feelings. What you are doing, in terms of reframing your negative thoughts and challenging your irrational thoughts, is the right path toward feeling less jealous. This is a process that takes a bit of time and effort. You are on the right path! Just be patient with yourself.
Signs Of Infidelity
Q: How can you tell if someone is cheating on you? Recently, my wife’s behavior has changed in small ways that make me wonder if she’s being faithful. It’s nothing straightforwardly obvious, like her being on her phone all the time or going out at night. It’s hard to even describe. I know people go through their partner’s phones for this reason but I can’t see myself doing that—it feels like it would be taking a step in a direction that could be toxic, especially if nothing is going on. So, what are some tell-tale signs that your partner is cheating on you?
A: You are right about not jumping the gun and accusing her of something she may not be doing. Sometimes, people’s behavior can change because they are going through a mental health challenge like depression or anxiety. This often leads people to isolate themselves or seem detached from their loved ones. Some more subtle signs to look for (and remember, one thing alone is not a definitive sign) include things like:
-being on the phone a lot more
-taking her phone everywhere she goes, even to the bathroom
-keeping the phone face down and never unattended
-a change in your intimacy
-a notable decrease in affection
-working late more often or needing to go away for work more than usual
-deleting stuff from phone or other devices
-a sudden interest in one’s physical appearance that is not typical
-unexplained expenses
-becoming very defensive
-a change in social circle
Also listen to your gut. If you truly suspect something, have a conversation with your wife. Don’t be accusatory. Instead, tell her you are concerned because you have noticed changes in her and your relationship. You may need the guidance of a therapist to help you both communicate about your concerns.