Sex Therapy
Q: I have a pretty normal sex life. I’ve had good relationships and I’ve enjoyed sex, and oral sex, and even anal sex once or twice. I want to make my partner happy and I’ve rarely had trouble reaching orgasm, either by myself or with a girlfriend.
But I have some underlying issues that I think I might need to address with a sex therapist. It’s stuff like kissing and touching. It’s fine if it’s brief but sometimes it makes my skin crawl and I don’t know why. I’ve tried to just get over it and do it but my reaction is so strong and visceral sometimes I can’t ignore it.
I think it has something to do with the sexual trauma I experienced growing up. I didn’t realize it until recently. The next logical step seems to be seeing a sex therapist, but I’m kind of skeptical about how it would work. What if they just want me to talk about what I went through and even more bad feelings come up? How do I find a good one who can actually help me? What does a session actually look like—what kind of things will they want to know? Thanks in advance.
A: It’s very possible/probable that your history of sexual trauma has impacted you in the bedroom. It’s important not to ignore it, as healing from past trauma does require you delving into the past. You don’t actually need a sex therapist. A psychologist or therapist who works with sexual trauma would be able to help you. Therapy sessions generally involve talking things through in a safe environment with a professional who is non-judgmental. They will help you navigate the negative feelings that arise and give you some helpful coping strategies. To find a therapist in your area, look up the licensing board of psychologists or social workers and they usually have a listing of therapists with their area of expertise listed. A first session will involve the therapist getting to know you and the problem that you want help with, so lots of questions about your present situation and your past may be asked.
Sexual Trauma
Q: I am years after my sexual abuse, and I find myself having flashbacks during intercourse with my now loving boyfriend, I have very little libido, if any at all, and when I do have sex, I find very little enjoyment in it. I cannot access my pleasure, I vacillate between feeling faintly to being completely numb, but it is far from ecstasy. Masturbating results in forcing a moment, forcing sensations, instead of experiencing them. I’ve been highly critical of my partner for a little while now, often expressing my resentment or disappointment after our lovemaking, and I am only now realizing it is me who is blocked. I would often question how it is that he is enjoying himself and I am not and that would lead to mistrust and a refusal to engage in more sex and convince myself that I don’t need to have sex to be happy. I have lost contact with my sexual energy and don’t quite know how to exist as a sexual being. I need help and my relationship needs help.
A: I’m so sorry for what you went through. Unfortunately, it is all too common for people to experience the consequences of their sexual abuse throughout their lives. The difficulties you describe are in line with what I hear from many sexual abuse survivors. This is why getting professional help is vital in your healing journey. This might also involve couple’s therapy as your partner is also affected by your trauma. He needs to understand your difficulties and where they come from, so as not to take things personally and to learn how to navigate your sexuality together. You might find the book “The Sexual Healing Journey” by Wendy Maltz very helpful. Please seek help for this, so that you can reclaim your sexuality. I promise you, it is absolutely possible!