Heartbroken
Q: I have recently come out of a long term relationship. It was mutual and we have remained friends however I do not believe that she has an interest in getting back together (I believe she has started dating). I am not sure in which direction to go from here. Do I get straight back into the dating game (although apprehensive as I have been out of it for a long time) or not? We are in a close-knit community so the space of not seeing her is difficult.
A: To answer your question, I turned to our regular contributor, dating coach, Frank Kermit. This is what he had to say:
I am sorry for your heart break. The pain is temporary and you will move on from this point. Generally speaking, taking time to heal wounds can be a good idea if you are the type of person who might make your next date pay for the past hurts of an ex. If you find yourself leaning that way, best to get some competent therapy to learn coping skills for that kind of deep core hurt. As I write about it in my book The 25 Rules of Dating for Everyone, the sooner you get back into dating, the better as long as you do not punish new people for your own past hurt. When you do go out again, and are asked about your past relationships, only talk about what you learned from your past relationships. Do not talk about your exes beyond that as you might drive the new dates away.
Finally, you may also consider expanding your social circles. Whether this means to reach out to new contacts outside your community, or even moving away from the community for a while, to give yourself a fresh start. Sometimes, your local close-knit community can hold you back from taking actions that you would feel free to take with new people you are getting to know. My book on How To Build a Social Circle Network has many suggestions to help you create a number of new social groups to connect with. Time will heal a broken heart, but in the meanwhile, take action and go for it!
Hysterectomy
Q: I had a total hysterectomy a year ago. Prior to the hysterectomy my husband and I had an active sex life now since the hysterectomy it’s been very difficult for me to get in the mood and it’s beginning to affect our relationship. We’ve thought about estrogen therapy however we’re concerned about the side effects. Would you have any suggestions on how to help get me in the mood not only physically but mentally? Thank you for any offer of help we’re desperate.
A: A total hysterectomy is usually the removal of the uterus and cervix. You don’t say whether your ovaries were removed as well (oophorectomy), which can have different consequences. If your ovaries are intact, then you continue to produce estrogen and thus your sexuality should not be affected. If however, you had your ovaries removed, then you are in surgical menopause and are no longer producing estrogen. The result may be vaginal dryness and decreased sex drive. In this situation, estrogen therapy can relieve these symptoms. Choosing to go on hormone replacement therapy is an individual decision that should be made by a woman and her doctor. You need to evaluate whether it is a good option for you depending on your situation, your history etc. You will need to explore the pros and cons with a physician. As for you getting in the mood, it could also be related to your psychological state. How do you feel about getting a hysterectomy? Has it had an impact on your self image, how you feel as a woman? It’s also not unusual for desire to change with age. It is often less spontaneous, but that doesn’t mean you are not interested. Try and put time aside for intimacy with your partner, even if you are not “in the mood”. Let your partner begin to stimulate you and often this will trigger your desire. For more information about this, I would refer you to have a look at my book, “The Sex Bible for People Over 50”. On my website, you will also find a TEDx talk I did about passion in long term relationships.