Having sex is an intimate physical act, but it is also an emotionally, spiritually, and mentally involved process. So it’s no surprise that the way we think and feel about sex finds it way to impacting what we do in the bedroom. Have you been letting your attitude about sex impact your intimate life? Here are eight common unhealthy perspectives you may not even realize you have:
You’re perceiving sex to be dirty or shameful.
This is a tale as old as time. Literally. For hundreds of years, we have been told that sex is dirty, wrong, sinful, or a source of shame. Many people grew up hearing that sex should be reserved for certain people or situations, that someone who has multiple partners is less worthy, that our bodies should be covered because they are innately tempting, and a thousand other negative messages about sexual purity. Messages like these take time to unlearn and deconstruct, but doing so is critical for your own enjoyment and empowerment. Stop viewing sex as sinful and start thinking of it as the beautiful act of connection that it is.
You’ve been viewing sex as an obligation.
This one is especially common for people in long-term relationships. When you are in an exclusive relationship, it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking you are wholly responsible for fulfilling your partner’s sexual needs and that they are responsible for fulfilling yours. This is not the case. Under no circumstances do you ever owe anybody sex, no matter the relationship or situation. When you look at sex as a duty, it loses its appeal and can quickly become something you resent. That resentment can eventually land on your partner if you aren’t careful. Instead of viewing sex as a chore, look at sex as an opportunity to physically embody the spiritual connection you have with your partner.
You’re thinking of sex as a punishment.
Another unhealthy view of sex that couples struggle with is viewing sex, or more often, withholding sex, as a punishment. How often do we see that trope on television sit coms where the wife tells her husband that he will have to sleep on the couch or “won’t be getting any” for a while if he keeps forgetting to take the trash out or is spending too much time watching football with his friends? Whether this is a joke or not, conceptualizing sex in this way is harmful to your relationship and to your ability to enjoy intimacy with your partner.
You look at sex as a reward.
Just like you shouldn’t view sex as a punishment, you shouldn’t frame it as a reward either. You may think there is nothing wrong with positive reinforcement, but when you economize sex in this way, you risk turning sex into something you or your partner has to earn rather than an organic expression of affection. While there is nothing wrong with the occasional favor or encouragement, using sex as a reward is manipulative and can actually do more harm to intimacy than good.
You keep judging yourself based on your sex life.
You’re embarrassed about being a virgin. You’re ashamed of yourself for being a slut. You’re afraid that you’ll turn into a spinster if you go too long without having sex. You think your life is less together because of the amount of sex you are or are not having. You think your value as a person is tied to how often you are pursued or approached for sex. These thought processes are nonsense and quite harmful not only to your self-esteem, but also to your sex life. This attitude ties sex to your identity in a way that is unhealthy for both your sexuality and your self-concept which leads to a vicious cycle of both deteriorating over time.
You’re ashamed of your sexual preferences or needs.
Many of us carry around immense amounts of shame as a result of what we think makes us “weird.” Whether it’s a kink you think you’ll be judged for, a libido you think is too high, or sexual dysfunction you struggle with, there is no reason for shame. You may be surprised to learn just how many people are in the same boat as you when it comes to kinks, preferences, or bodily issues. Let go of those unproductive feelings and embrace yourself to be the sexually empowered person you have the potential to be.
Your perception of masturbation is all wrong.
Masturbation is totally healthy. Unless it is impacting your daily functioning or causing pain or injury to yourself, you are probably not doing it too much or too often. It does not make you a creep or a pervert. Women masturbate too. Being in a relationship does not mean you can’t or shouldn’t masturbate. These attitudes about masturbation threaten your ability to engage in positive and productive sexual exploration which can in turn negatively impact your ability to enjoy sex with yourself and others.
You’ve been putting sex on the bottom of your to-do list.
Finally, sex should never be on the bottom of your to-do list. This is an easy one to fall into, especially when you have settled into a normal routine with a partner you have been with for a long time. If you’re waiting until right before bed to have sex, but only go to bed once the laundry is folded and put away, the kitchen is clean, and your kids have gone to sleep, you may find yourself in a position where you never have time or energy to have sex. If your “work before play” attitude causes you to procrastinate sex to the point of never having the chance, your attitude about sex needs to change. Make sex a priority and you will be amazed how much more you are able to enjoy it.
These are just eight attitude adjustments you can make to improve the quality of your sex life. While many of these have to do with a partner, most can be applied to single people as well. If you need help sorting through some negative feelings or perceptions about sex and intimacy alone or with a partner, sex coaching may be something you should consider.
For more tips and advice on ways to improve your intimate and sexual relationships, Dr. Stacy Friedman holds a Doctorate degree in Human Sexuality in addition to a Masters in Clinical Sexology and is a Certified Sex Coach. She offers remote complimentary 15-minute consultations and ongoing coaching sessions. Call 1-561-899-7669 or visit https://drstacyfriedman.com today!