Losing My Religion
Q: I grew up in the Mormon faith and recently left it behind at the age of 19. During my adolescence, I refrained from both masturbation and sexual activity. However, I’ve recently attempted masturbation and have encountered challenges in achieving orgasm. I’ve experienced orgasm during dreams a couple of times, but that’s the extent of it. I’m unsure about the cause of this issue and what steps to take. I don’t think I have any other sexual health issues that could be affecting this. Any info you have would help.
A: What you may be experiencing is a form of religious or spiritual trauma. This is a complex issue which can impact different areas of your life, including sexuality. Growing up in a religion that is sexually oppressive or views all forms of premarital sex, including masturbation, as sinful can have an impact on a person’s relationship to sex. It sounds like since you left your religion, you are trying to experiment and get to know your sexuality. Unfortunately, when we are indoctrinated early on to a certain belief system, it is hard to get it out of your psyche. Many people experience feelings of shame and guilt and sometimes fear when they start to become sexual. This is what may be blocking your ability to completely let go and have an orgasm. Talking to a professional who understands where you have come from will be very helpful. Be patient with yourself. Don’t put pressure on yourself to reach orgasm. You will get there—it just takes time.
Sexual Fluidity
Q: Is homosexuality permanent? I’m wondering, as I am a gay man.
A: That’s an interesting question. Are you uncomfortable with being a gay man? Are you fighting against this within yourself? Generally speaking, sexuality is more or less fixed at puberty, and this is mostly true for men. Women tend to have what’s called “erotic plasticity” more than men. This essentially means that their sexuality can be more fluid. I don’t think it’s possible to rid oneself of same sex attraction, but we can control or choose our behaviors. For example, a person can be attracted exclusively to same sex but never act on it.
Religious fundamentalists will tell you that homosexuality is a choice, and they offer “conversion therapy” to essentially “pray the gay away.” Studies have shown that this does not work to alter attraction, but can, for the motivated person, change their behavior. As for the opposite argument that gay people are “born this way,” research shows that yes, genes do contribute, but that there are other factors at play as well (hormones in utero, early life experiences, etc.). If you are uncomfortable with your orientation, please consider speaking to a queer friendly therapist about this.