How To Know If You’re Sexually Incompatible
Q: I’ve been with my fiancée for a few years, and we’re both in our early 30s. We have sex regularly, but she never orgasms from it. Sometimes, she uses a vibrator on her clitoris while we’re doing it, but most of the time she doesn’t even bother. She always seems distracted, either way. She’s never had a vaginal orgasm with another partner, and I was able to give her one once, but that was a while ago now.
I’ve tried to do everything that other sexperts recommend. We do lots of foreplay each time, sometimes 20 or 30 minutes. I’ll go down on her. I’ve asked her to help me out and tell me what she likes, but she says that everything is fine or that she doesn’t really know what she likes. I thought I would be fine with it, considering we still have regular sex—but it’s really starting to bother me. I want her to enjoy it, and her lack of interest is making me feel like crap. It’s also affecting my sexual function. I told her we should take a few weeks off as a result, and she was fine with it.
At what point do I just give up? Is there anything I haven’t tried? I do love her and I want to marry her. But it’s weird to think I’m about to marry someone I may not be sexually compatible with.
A: I’m not sure this is about compatibility. You are taking on the responsibility of her orgasm, and that is causing you frustration and pain. Each person is responsible for their own orgasm! You are not doing anything wrong, and in fact, it sounds like you are doing everything right. I commend you for putting in these efforts to make sure your partner is satisfied.
A few things stand out for me. Firstly, over 80% of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone. That does not mean intercourse is not pleasurable, but just that it may not produce an orgasm. Women need clitoral stimulation (so using a sex toy is a good idea, especially during intercourse). Studies show that female satisfaction with sex is not tied into orgasm. Orgasms are nice, but not necessary.
Next, you say she is distracted. If her mind wanders, (whether as a result of ADHD, anxiety, or something else) then it will be difficult for her to focus on her bodily sensations. You can’t control what goes on in her head. However, she can get therapy to help her learn how to be truly present and mindful during sexual activity. She tells you everything is fine—so believe her. She sounds satisfied with the sex you guys are having. She clearly enjoys what you are doing, even if she rarely orgasms.
The last issue appears to be what you perceive as her lack of desire or at least initiation. She may in fact have less spontaneous desire than you, but such a discrepancy is common in couples.
For many women, once they get going, they get into it and their desire kicks in. Some women are also not very comfortable initiating sex (for many different reasons). It’s also possible that if she is not “hungry” then she is not suggesting “going to the restaurant.” However, when she chooses to go there, then her appetite will be triggered. It would be a good idea to talk with her and let her know that you would appreciate if she could initiate a bit more as this will make you feel wanted and desired. I think she and you together would benefit from having a conversation with a sex therapist before you put a ring on it, for your own peace of mind and to figure out what is going on. A therapist can help you improve your sexual relationship.