Not Like The Movies
Q: I don’t know a lot about sex and I’ve never watched a lot of porn. What I do know, I’ve learned from sex scenes on TV and in the movies. So now that I’ve moved out and I started having sex, I’ve hit some roadblocks. I always expected that my girlfriend and I would orgasm at the same time, but that’s not the case. I can cum pretty quickly but it takes a lot more time and effort for her to cum. Sometimes she doesn’t at all and she says it’s fine, but I’m worried that it means we’re sexually incompatible. Is there any truth to this? Is there any way to make sure we both climax at the same time?
A: Real life sex is definitely not like what you see in the movies. Unfortunately, the way sex is portrayed sets us up for having unrealistic expectations around sex. One of those expectations is to have an orgasm at the same time, or portraying women as easy to reach climax. Most people do not orgasm at the same time, especially when we are talking about intercourse. About 85% of women do not orgasm through intercourse alone—they also need clitoral stimulation. This is why it is so important to focus on foreplay (caressing, oral sex, using your fingers, etc.) prior to intercourse. You may find that your partner climaxes during foreplay and not during intercourse, as this is where she will get direct clitoral stimulation.
Additionally, many women don’t consistently climax, yet thoroughly enjoy the sexual experience. An orgasm is certainly great, but it is not a necessity for women. This is not sexual incompatibility. It takes time to develop a great sexual relationship, since it takes time to get to know your partner’s body, what they like, etc. Focus on foreplay, ask her what she likes, and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get her to climax. We are all responsible for our own orgasm, which means that it is her responsibility to let you know what she needs. If she doesn’t orgasm, it doesn’t mean that you are doing something wrong, as a woman’s ability to orgasm at any given time is a complex process that also includes her brain and is less about a partner’s technique.
Sex Without Orgasm
Q: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years now. However, there is a concerning issue we’ve been facing. He has never ejaculated during intercourse, except on two occasions when I performed oral sex.
Our sexual activity has significantly declined in the past year, with most encounters lasting only around 10 minutes before he gets tired and stops. Strangely, he keeps an erection around me and regularly masturbates. We’ve ruled out the possibility of it being caused by the “death grip” syndrome, as he tried to abstain from masturbation for two months without any improvement.
This problem is unique to our relationship, as he has not experienced it in his past relationships. What might be causing this issue, and what can we do about it?
A: I’m wondering whether he is getting enough stimulation. Can he orgasm when you manually stimulate him? That’s one possibility. The other may be a form of performance anxiety. Does he feel pressured to climax? Does he feel pressure to be great in bed with you because he cares so much about this relationship? These issues can cause a person to be distracted during sex and can lead to lack of orgasm, erectile dysfunction, or early ejaculation. It’s hard to know what’s going on without a complete evaluation. I strongly recommend you both see a couple/sex therapist to get your relationship back on track.